I just want to be a Mom

Twins!

2009-08-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

Yep! It is officially confirmed from this morning that I'm pregnant with Twins! Both are measuring the same size and both "flicker" heartbeats are strong! I'm so thankful that they are the same size and that one isn't growing faster than the other. They are measuring at 7 weeks which is what I am exactly today so that's great.

I'm coming down from my excitement a bit, but we are very excited. J. is super nervous - he wants to get the house done fast so we can move out of my Mom's house and of course he now thinks the house isn't big enough. He will calm down.

It is a very happy day!

2 days

2009-08-16T14:33:00.001-07:00

Of puking and today I finally felt better! I actually have (almost) made it through the whole day without puking and that is a good milestone. You know how you know you are feeling like crap when you are sick but you really don't know how sick you were feeling until you feel better again. That is how I felt today. I was so thankful this morning that I was able to get out of bed and not go running to the bathroom.

I even went to a movie this afternoon with a friend. We saw Julie & Julia. It was a sweet movie. I really loved the couple of points in the movie where they slightly touched on her inability to have children. It was very tactful and touching. When she found out that her sister was pregnant and she said through her tears that she was happy for her I knew exactly how she was feeling. Devastated that it wasn't her, but really, truly happy for her sister.

Tuesday is the big day. After these two days of pure sickness there HAS to be something good going on in my uterus! I feel a lot less nervous now and just SUPER anxious to hear the hearbeat!

I hope everyone's weekend went well. I'm exhausted now, I have my pug on my lap and we are going to fall asleep to the PGA. It is just down the road from me (I can see the blimp in the air above the tournament). Golf is a great sport to put you to sleep. Maybe I can condition the baby to fall asleep to golf! :-)

Announcement

2009-08-11T16:36:00.001-07:00

My cousin's girlfriend came over to take pictures of our pug - she is a photographer and I thought it would be nice to get some professional pictures of the fur-baby before the real-baby came and she got neglected. I haven't got those back from her yet, I will post when I do. I had her take a couple quick shots for a pregnancy announcement (I may send out in the mail or it will just be used for e-mail, facebook, blogging). She sent those to me first so I could do what I wanted with them sooner.

Betraying RE

2009-08-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

I called my RE clinic again today to see if there were ready to get me on the schedule for next week for my first u/s. They still said no (like I thought they were going to) because Dr. C is on a procedure schedule and they will call me one to two days before to let me know when I can get in. I doubled checked that I was on the waiting list and I'm glad I did, because I wasn't. When I called the other week it was their other office taking their calls because they were moving. Glad I doubled checked that. I'm not sure how far down on the waiting list I am. I forgot to ask that.

So just because I am not being patient (as J. is telling me) I called my OB office to see if they would do the u/s next week. They said "no problem"!!! So I scheduled it for Tuesday morning at 7:45. I will be exactly 7 weeks on that day so we should be able to hear heart beat(s) and count baby(ies) no problem.

I will send the results over to the RE office and they will have to "officially" release me before I can start being seen at the OB office. I know this is not going to make the RE the happiest, but really I think I should be able to do what I want with this somewhat. This entire process has been out of our control for so long that I just need to feel like I can control something. I made a deal with J. that if the RE office calls on Monday and says they can get me in on Tuesday or Wednesday I will go there and cancel the OB u/s. If not I'm going to the OB's office for the u/s on Tuesday and I will deal with the RE's office after that.

So only one more week until I can have peace of mind that there is a healthy heartbeat and count how many there are!

Poll

2009-08-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from Katie to put a poll on my blog. She did it for her 3 embies that were transfered and recently found out she is having TWINS! So I thought I would try it for mine!

What's your vote?

Nervous

2009-08-09T14:46:00.001-07:00

I am feeling nervous about this pregnancy. I know it is because there has been/will be such a long wait between my last Beta and my first ultrasound. I just feel like there should be some more information coming my way about this pregnancy. It's like - "great, we got you pregnany, your numbers look great, so let's hope nothing happens in the next 3 weeks because we aren't going to check on you again until then."

I know that even if something has happened there is nothing they can do about it, but it still makes me really nervous.

I wish I was having more pregnancy symptoms than just being tired. I feel like I could be blaming my tiredness on something other than pregnancy so it would be nice to have another symptom.

I guess if I had to come up with two other pregnancy symptoms they would be an adversion to pork - thus the pig picture - and a bloated tummy. I may have just packed on a little bit of wait during this "stay rested" summer/IVF cycle, but feel like my stomach looks like the pig's!

My father-in-law has been in town all this weekend working on electrical at the new house. I'm at my Mom's right now and no one is here but me and the dog. It is very peaceful. Time for a nap!

Tiredness

2009-08-06T16:18:00.001-07:00

I know it's been awhile since I've had a post. I haven't had much to report on since my second Beta. I'm not patiently waiting for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks which will happen in 2 weeks!

We are moving along with our new house renovations. After our builder was on vacation last week and nothing got done he has had his crew in working away this week.

My only pregnancy symptom right now is extreme tiredness. It could be all the running around that I have been doing for the house, because I'm not sure if it's too early for pregnancy symptoms. But, I really need to take a nap almost every afternoon. Which is working out okay while I'm on summer vacation for the next couple of week, but it will be interesting once school starts.

Hope all is well with everyone else. Life seems to be going really well for us right now!

2nd Beta

2009-07-30T12:44:00.001-07:00

1054!
So it more than doubled! This morning when the tech took my blood and heard my first Beta number she was quite sure I was having twins. She said that they normally see numbers like 453 on the third Beta with singles, not the first.

The nurse who called with my results said nothing of twins. She said I need to schedule my first ob u/s for 3 weeks from now! What?!?! 3 WEEKS! There is no way I can wait that long!

But, I guess I'm going to have to! I suppose I will be 7 weeks along and that will be best for hearing heartbeat, etc.

The most annoying thing is that when I called back to schedule the ultrasound I was told that my RE is on a procedure schedule that week and I would have to be put on a waiting list. They will call me 2 days before they can get me in that week after they know how many procedures he will have. So I don't even have anything scheduled! She asked if I wanted to schedule something for the next week - and I said no I didn't want to even have to wait through the weekend!

I'm tempted to call my IF nurses at my old clinic to see if they will do the ultrasound. I really made a good connection with them and I might be able to talk them into getting me in earlier! Do you think it is worth the try or just I just suck it up and wait for RE's office to call?

Beta results in

2009-07-28T15:36:00.001-07:00

453!

I think that is a great number! The doc said that it was a "solid" good number. I go back on Thursday for the repeat Beta HCG and then we will schedule an ultrasound after that to hear the heartbeat(s) and count how many babies implanted (we transfered 2 embryos).

I will update the Beta on Thursday again!

I am VERY excited!

8dp5dt

2009-07-27T13:13:00.001-07:00

I actually had a lot of will power this cycle. IVF put me into a different mind set about testing. I was super nervous for these results. But after much contemplation I decided that I wanted to learn the results on my terms and I wanted to be able to share them with J. in my own way not after a phone call.

So I took the HPT and there is definitely TWO LINES there! I think I'm still in disbelief and still nervous for my first Beta results tomorrow. But, I'm less nervous that I now know that I have a BFP and we will deal with the numbers tomorrow!

Again we are staying at my Mom's house during our home renovations so I am going to tell her and J. tonight at the same time. I had got my Mom a book called "Grandma's Summer" awhile ago and I have been saving it - it is a book about a grandma that takes her grandson to an old cabin for the summer. My Mom has an old cabin up north so I thought it was a cute book. I got J. the "Your Pregnancy: for the father-to-be". I have them wrapped up and will give them to both of them to open after dinner!

I will update my Beta numbers tomorrow!

ICLW - Welcome!

2009-07-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

ICLW - Welcome to my blog! I chose a few pictures to tell you a little about myself.

This is a picture on our wedding day: September 4, 2004

This is one of my greatest accomplishments yet. I ran the Paris Marathon with my Mom in April of 2008. It was her 10th marathon and my first!

This is our fur-baby Guinness. She is the cutest pug I have ever seen! We keep her trim and she is spoiled beyond belief. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she is little and she is the current stand-in for a "real" baby!

You may call us insane, crazy, out of our minds, etc. but we bought a new house that needs a lot of updating and it is all happening during our first IVF cycle! As J. always says "We tend to just do everything at once!" So far it has all gone well. We are staying at my Mom's house while we are doing the renovations at the new house so I'm not on bedrest while walls are literally coming down around me.

During the first, almost 5 years, of our marriage we made a vow that we were going to travel like crazy so that once we have kids we won't regret anything. We have had so much fun traveling in these 5 years. Many of the trips centered around either running or baseball games. It is fun to have an extra purpose for going on vacation. We live in MN so this is a picture from Spring Training down in Florida this last April.

Don't get me wrong, we love to go on trip that all we do it sit on our butts and get a tan. This is a picture from my "birthday vacation" this February in Jamaica. We stayed at a Sandals resort for the first time and it was wonderful! They really spoil you there!

Yes, I turned 30 this year. I had way harder of a time turning 29. We were over a year into TTC and it was hard to think that I could possibly be over 30 before I even conceived my first child. 30 was a lot easier - I think I used up all my freaking out in my 29th year of life. So I took full advantage of this milestone birthday and had J. take me on a long weekend to Jamaica.

One of my most favorite hobbies is scrapbooking. I have about 6 books filled with memories of our wedding, parties and vacations. I have the most perfect scrapbook and coordinating paper all picked out for our future first child's baby book.

I am a teacher so that is another reason for "doing everything at once". I have the time to do it during June, July and August. I could not even imagine being able to get to the insane amount of appointments I had to this summer for the IVF cycle. Plus I think my students would not have liked me the best on all the hormones (at least the pregnancy ones will have a visible reason for them). I taught 3rd grade at the best elementary school last year. Because of budget reasons I am getting moved to a different elementary school (in the same district) and will be teaching a different grade - 4th. I am much more a primary teacher so I'm scared for the 4th graders. I'm already having nightmares about them. It will be fine, I'm sure.

A group of couples that we hang out with on a regular basis decided to from a wine club. We rotate houses for hosting and get together to taste different wines. It is a lot of fun and we have had tried some really good wines and some horrible ones that went straight down the kitchen sink. We took a trip to Napa and Sonoma Counties a couple summers ago. This has become J. and my favorite wine - Sequoia Grove - it is a boutique winery in Napa County. We belong to their wine club and look forward to their shipments of wine right to our front door every few months.

So that is a bit (or a lot) about me. I am currently in my last few ours of bedrest from the embryo transfer on Sunday. I will go in for my first b/w next Tuesday the 28th. It is going to be a long week. Thankfully I have ICLW to keep me busy! Thank you for visiting!

Transfer update!

2009-07-19T14:44:00.001-07:00

Here is the first picture of our babies! We transfered these two beautiful embryos this morning at 11:00 and I have been laying flat for as long as I can since then.

Here is the ultrasound pics that they took during the transfer. The doc said that it couldn't have gone any more perfect!

My Pug is loving that I'm on bedrest. She has found the spot she is going to spend the next 48 hours - right on my lap!

They are going to test on Tuesday the 28th which will be 9dp5dt. I am going to go crazy waiting that long!

Transfer is today!

2009-07-19T06:51:00.001-07:00

I'm going to the clinic in about 2 hours! I'm so flippin' excited!! This morning is an absolutely beautiful morning in Minnesota. The rest of the Fam is out on the deck reading the paper - I will go out there after my PIO shot.

My puppy was up at 7:45 this morning and just had to go upstairs because she heard my Mom (we are staying at my Mom's house through our house renovations) and now she is sleeping in the sun. Typical!

11 Fertilized!

2009-07-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

I got the call yesterday and was really excited to hear that 11 out of the 15 fertilized and divided! I wish they would call me again today and I didn't have to wait until tomorrow.

We closed on our house yesterday and all went well. My Mom and I are going to go over to the new house today to pull wallpaper down and get some ideas for painting. I am really excited to get a fresh coat on. I think that the fresh coat of paint is meaning more to me than just a different color on the walls, it is a symbol of us moving on with our lives with or without a child. The fact that we could go through this process of buying a house that needs major renovations while going through IVF shows that there are other things that we value in our marriage than being parents. Don't get me wrong, we will be more than estatic if we find out we are pregnant, but hopefully if that isn't the case we have set ourselves up for the next stage in our lives in this new home.

I will get another call tomorrow to give me an update on the embies and give me the scheduled time for the transfer on Sunday.

Big Day!

2009-07-16T06:03:00.001-07:00

We close on the sale of our house and the purchase of the new house today! Everything should go smooth with that! The first house J. and I bought together is now empty and will have a single attorney living in it.

We won't even move into our new house. We moved into my Mom's house for a while and put most of our stuff in storage. We are doing major renovations on the new place.

BUT, the BIG news is that I get the call from the RE's office today about how the embies are doing!!! I am SUPER excited and nervous. I really hope they are doing well and growing strong!

I will try to update after the phone call. I am really hoping that it comes earlier rather than later!

So Excited!

2009-07-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in the mist of packing up my house (remember we are moving,
we close on Thursday) I got a call from the clinic. They decided that
it was best that I did the HCG last night and we will do the retrieval
on Tuesday! I am so excited. They are also scheduling the transfer for
Sunday, which would be 5 days. She said they would probably call me on
Thursday to let me know how the embryos are doing!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!

I am posting a random pic of my dog I took last night. She is such a sweetheart - our first baby!

6 appointments in 8 days

2009-07-12T07:28:00.001-07:00

And still no definite date for the retrieval. For the last couple of days they said "plan on the HCG tonight, but we will call you later to confirm" They always called later and said let's go one more day. Obviously I want the follies to be perfect so I'm not complaining. I went in again this morning and from my quick count I have about 10 follies that are mature and could release an egg. I have about 5 that are size 14 and a couple at 13. So she is thinking that I will have one more day of stims, do the HCG tomorrow night and retrieval on Wednesday. I will find out later on this morning when they call back.
I took a picture of my stim set up in my kitchen yesterday because I thought it was going to be my last day, it wasn't but I thought I would post it anyway.
I will update later when I find out what the plan is.

Getting Closer!

2009-07-09T09:43:00.001-07:00

I had another appointment today- I'm about every other day now to
check my ovaries and estrogen levels. My ovaries really "perked up" as
the nurse said. I have a ton (like 8) of follicles that are measuring
10 or above. I have to go back in tomorrow, but she thinks I will be
doing the HCG (triggering ovulation) on Saturday night with the
retrieval on Monday. I'm not sure how long they have to sit in the
petri - I think 3 or 4 days (Other IVFer's do you know?). So I think
my transfer will be maybe Thursday or Friday!!

I am so sick of the injections! I'm up to 3 a day now. My stomach
looks like a pin coushin. So the thought of being able to be done with
them tomorrow is very exciting! I know progesterone then starts and I have to deal with those injections, but I'm ready to move forward.

I will update tomorrow if I have more news!

Facebook

2009-07-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

J. always says that I spend too much time of Facebook. He is probably right, but I'm addicted to checking in on the lives of people around me. It is fun to see pictures of people's vacations and kids. It is fun to comment on what they are up to or thinking about the weather, etc. But there are those days where I see posts like "our baby is coming home today from the hospital", "we're pregnant, again", "Thanks to my friends for bringing me dinner and dessert because I had a baby 4 months ago", "the baby isn't napping any more and my life is harder because of it". These are the days I wish I never had a Facebook account. They are the days that I wish I could post "I have a horrible headache from the Lupron injections that I'm taking to become a mother - something I have been trying to do for over 2 years. Could someone bring me a really sinful dessert and a latte to make be feel better please"
The world of FB would never be the same and J. would kill me that "the world" would know all that. It is times like these that I had that infertility has such a stigma attached to it and that it has to be such a private struggle that we have to go through.

side effects

2009-06-28T18:39:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking that is what these are! I am thirsty ALL the TIME! I am having really bad headaches. I'm peeing all the time, but that might be from all the drinking I've been doing. The hot flashes have started. I go from being steaming hot to freezing cold when the ceiling fan or air conditioning cools my sweat off.
I can't sleep! I toss and turn all night - back and forth between being hot and then cold. When I do sleep I am having the most vivid dreams. I get that I have a lot on my mind with IVF and moving, but it is crazy how vivid they are. They all seem to center around voice mail messages on my phone too.
I'm a little nervous what might end up happening when I add more drugs into the mix!

3 bags!

2009-06-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

I left the pharmacy today with 3 bags! One was filled with just syringages! I'm on day 6 of Lupron and I am having major headaches! I also feel like sleeping all the time - that may have something to do with this 90 degree heat days!

I'm so sorry for my blog friend Misty who found out yesterday that her baby conceived through IVF didn't have a heartbeat at her ultrasound. She is really sad, rightly so. Visit her blog and send her good thoughts if you have a chance.

I go back into the doctor on Tuesday which will be Day 10 of the Lupron. ICLWers - can anyone remind me why I have this appointment? I think it is to make sure my ovaries are getting supressed like they are supposed to be.

I'm try hard to enjoy the start of my Summer vacation from teaching. We are moving on the 16th in with my Mom and her husband while our new house is under renovation. But, my headaches make it hard for me to get off the couch and I'm feel not in the best shape. I should be out on long walks everyday, but it's so stinkin' hot! I guess it is better than 20 below zero! We could be facing that in too many short months.

Date with the Hamsters

2009-06-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

So J. had a date with the hamsters last week. They wanted to see how his sperm does with penetration of hamster eggs before they just his go loose with mine after retrieval. Well apparently it didn't go well. They like to see 50% or higher penetration and his was only 18%. The doctor also said that his count was down as well. They like to see it in the 50-60 million range and he was in the 30 million range.

He had only had one other SA and all was clear with that test. But it was like 2 years ago. This frustrates me because why didn't my previous clinic think to check his semen again after we weren't getting pregnant for a while. Ugh!

So for the IVF they will inject his sperm into my eggs rather then just let them do it on their own. It doesn't change anything other than the fact that we will owe them another $900 +.

Maybe the insurance coverage on my meds was the universe balancing things out for this added expense.

A letter to myself

2009-06-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

I was seeing a counselor in my darkest days this winter. She had suggested that there may be something inside my psyche that is keeping me from getting pregnant. I do have issues with how I feel my Mother raised me and my brothers. She suggested that I write a letter to myself when I was little - the point of my earliest memories of my relationship with my mother. Telling myself that it is okay that I become a mother and that I will not make the mistakes that she did. Here goes:

Dear Katie,

It is okay that you feel as though you were cheated out of a Mother. It was not fair of her to pass you and your brothers off on your Grandmother as much as she did. Although you developed a strong faith base and a love for cooking you could have gotten that from her regardless. She would have always been your Grandma.

What you needed from your Mother was an appropriate "birds and bees" talk. It wasn't your fault that your cousin Gina got pregnant at 16. You had nothing to do with that and you didn't deserve the shouting "birds and bees" talk from you after she hung up the phone. You deserved a compassionate talk on your bed one night with your Mom talking about your first period, pads, tampons, shaving, boys, etc.

It is okay that you felt more comfortable talking with your Mom's sister than her. She was actually around when you were growing up. She thought of her babies as miracles and cried during her miscarriages. You were right to have a strong connection with her while you were growing up. Her friendship would prove to be more beneficial in your adult life as you struggle with IF. It was a relationship that was not fair for your Mom to ridicule she only did that because she was jealous. She probably wished she could have that relationship with you.

It is not your fault that she chose to pursue a career and relationship outside of one with your Father. Although she always said that she married young and had children right away because her mom was pressuring her into it - it was still her decision to do that. There are responsibilities that go along with those decisions. The grass may have been greener on the other side of the fence, but the grass on the side you left needed you to come back to water it.

It is true what that little old lady said in the grocery store that day in the small town you grew up in. We did turn out very well considering what we went through growing up.

Now it wasn't a horrible childhood. There were happy times and times where you were a very good older sister to your brothers and times when you were a great babysitter. That is why you will make a wonderful Mother.

You will take your children to the Zoo, walks around the lake, to the park to swing. They will sit in your lap and you will read them stories. You will show them so much love that they will never seek out parental love from anyone else.

You will be the mother that has hot chocolate chip cookies ready for them when they get home from school. You will be the one that drives them around to soccer practice and dance lessons. You will volunteer at their school and help out with bake sales. You children will never feel as though you are not apart of their lives.

Your children will someday stand up at their wedding and thank you and J. for being the best example for a marriage - they will hope to model their new marriage after yours.

You will be a Mother of beautiful children soon. It will be the hardest and most rewarding journey you ever do. It is what you were meant to do in life.

Love,
Me

Start Lupron tomorrow

2009-06-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm anxious to get this IVF process rolling. Tomorrow starts the first morning of my Lupron injections. I went to the pharmacy today to get it filled (I know cutting it close, I forgot) and I asked to have them just fill that one. I figured my insurance wouldn't cover it and I wanted to do mail order for the rest. My clinic told me that mail order tends to be less expensive if you are paying cash. Well, my insurance covered the Lupron. So I had them check a couple more on the list and they covered those as well!!

This made me feel so good! This entire process obviously costs a TON of money and it is nice to know that my insurance company isn't going to completely screw me!

My Mom and her Husband were more than willing to give us the loan for the next month until we close on our house. When we went to our RN consultation on Thursday and got to the payment park J. asked if there was any chance we could pay the balance any later than that day. She said the latest she could take payment was the 30th. We called our credit card company and if we make a purchase on the 30th it won't be due until August 15th - that is perfect for us. We will have closed on both houses and have the money available to pay off the credit card. This made J. feel a lot better. He really didn't like asking my parents for money. I don't blame him, he really prides himself on doing well on his own all these years.

Things seem to be looking up in the baby making department.

The Start of IVF

2009-06-16T17:53:00.001-07:00

Today was my first official appointment of the IVF road. I had the saline ultrasound and trial transfer. I guess the doctor wanted to see the depth of my uterus and make sure there wasn't anything in the way in terms of cysts, fibrods, adhesions, etc. Apparently I'm a "text book" case for a successful IVF cycle. Good to know!

We had an interesting night last night. . .

We decided about a month ago to put our house on the market, well it sold it 8 days. Which meant that we needed to find a house. We did in a location that we really like, but it needs a bunch of work. Our offer on this house was accepted and if the inspection goes well on Thursday then it will be ours. So last night we went to my Mom's with two important questions to ask her and her husband:

No. 1 - Can we stay with you after we close on our house on July 16th while we do renovations on it?

No. 2 - Since we are closing on a house in less than a month taking $10,000 out of our savings for IVF really wouldn't be the best timing. So could we borrow $10,000 from you for a month until we close on our house? And Oh, by the way we need that $10,000 by Thursday.

I knew the second question would be a really hard one to ask and hard to receive, but I thought for sure they would be more than okay with us living with them while we did our renovations. They weren't exactly opening their door to us when we asked question number 1, so I was really nervous to ask question number 2. But, we really didn't have a choice - we need to do the cycle now because I'm on summer vacation. Yes it probably wasn't the best choice for us to buy a house at this time, but as my Mom always says "it is what it is"!

So we'll see. They said it was fine that we moved in with them. We will make it as temporary as possible. They are going to get back to us on the borrowing of money. I am really trying not to stress out about these situations so that this IVF journey goes well, so it would be nice if we heard from them soon.

N-Day

2009-06-05T13:52:00.001-07:00

No not D-day, but N-day!

I tested 4 times this week the last one this morning- all negative. I was having a bunch of cramping on Wednesday, but that went away yesterday and I felt great. No spotting at all so I began feeling optimistic again. I wasn’t going to go into the clinic to get my HCG because I was staying at my Mom’s house this week (J. was out of town all week for work and I didn’t want to be home alone). My clinic is on my way to work when I’m at home – completely out of the way at my mom’s house.

I was sitting at school and I just couldn’t take it anymore I had to know what the HCG test would show. So I called my clinic to see if they could get me in while my kids were at music. This would mean that I wouldn’t get any prep time, but I thought it would be worth it to get that wonderful phone call I have been waiting 2 years for.

She called about 2 and half hours later. I was taking my class out to the playground for their field day. She said it was negative. Ugh!

I got off the phone and needed to be smiling and laughing with my students and in front of their parents! I seriously almost ran into a low tree branch because I wasn’t thinking straight. Luckily the parents, gym teachers and high school helpers run the field day for the kids so I was able to hide in my classroom for a couple of hours.

So what’s next. . . we said we were going to go through the IVF process this summer. This really is the right timing for that because of all the appointments, hormones and procedures. Doing that at the beginning of a new school year wouldn’t work out very well. But I really can’t even get myself thinking about that right now.

At the beginning of my 2ww I thought for sure I would be on the phone with the RE clinic scheduling the IVF for as soon as we could get it started if this time didn’t work, but I think I will wait until Monday. I need the weekend to be sad over the loss of this cycle before I can start planning for the next.

And the Winner was . . .Plan B

2009-05-26T13:38:00.001-07:00

And I really didn’t need to convince them. I went in on Thursday morning for another follicle ultrasound and she said that one more day would be ideal but since we were leaving town she felt good about doing it on Saturday. So I did the trigger shot on Thursday night and we did the IUI on Saturday morning. Then it was off to Madison for the half marathon. It was good to be sitting in a car for 4 hours and not moving or being stressed – I was able to relax and let the little swimmers do their job!

We had a great time in Madison. J. rocked at his first half marathon – 1 hour and 43 minutes. If you know anything about half marathons that is a really good time! Brat fest was after the race so we sat out in the sun with a brat and a beer and just enjoyed the day!

I’m so glad things worked out this way. We did a lot of baby dancing on our own this weekend. It was a lot of fun since we were in a hotel and in a different town. It always seems like the stresses you might have going on at home go away and you are less distracted. If the IUI didn’t do it this weekend, I’m really thinking all our baby dancing did! J

Thank you for all the well wishes and support! Hopefully I will have good news to report in 2 weeks. I also hope the next two weeks go by fast. It is the last 2 weeks of school and my 2 ww.

Turn of Events

2009-05-20T08:11:00.001-07:00

I thought I had planned out our IUI to work out perfectly for this Saturday morning. I stayed on the pill so that I would get my period 11 days prior to us leaving town for J.’s first half marathon in Madison, WI. I went in this morning for my day 8 ultra sound (which for the past 4 cycles has yielded good looking follicles) I thought for sure I would hear: “Do one more Gonal-f shot, do the trigger shot tomorrow night, and we will see you on Saturday morning for the IUI.” Nope she said that she didn’t think I was ready yet and I needed to come back on Friday to check things again. We would be doing the IUI on Sunday or Monday. WHAT?!?!? Why would this cycle all of a sudden have to be difficult and change things up for me?!?!

Okay, my fertile yoga class has taught me that this journey is full of gray areas, so I have constructed some plans. I am going back in tomorrow morning to see if things change in a day. She doesn’t think they will, but I can hope. I will go back in again on Friday as well. I am crossing my fingers that all will be good tomorrow and we will proceed as I planned with the IUI on Saturday before we leave town, but if not here is my plan B, C, D. . .

Plan B: I convince them to do the IUI anyway on Saturday. I know this is risking it messing things up and not working, but we can baby dance all weekend to try to get it at some point.

Plan C: We just don’t do an IUI this time at all and we baby dance on our own to see if we can get pregnant that way with the help of the follicle stim injections and the trigger shot (taking that as if we were doing the IUI on Sunday or Monday)

Plan D: J. has a friend from back home and his wife is a doctor. I could call her and plead with her to see if she could do the IUI or refer me to someone who could. Not sure that is ideal or how that would work, but I would be willing to try that route.

Plan E: We don’t go to Madison. This would be a huge bummer because we pre-paid for 2 nights at our hotel and we are traveling with another couple friend of ours, and this is J.’s first half marathon. I think it would be a really good weekend for us, but I know we have to think about where our priorities are.

Wish us luck!

Super fast update

2009-05-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have no engery, but I realized I haven't posted in awhile so I'm going to make this quick:

- Fertility Yoga Class is FANTASTIC! The instructor is great and all the other ladies in my class are great. It is like group therapy, education, and yoga all in one. I am so glad I have done it. This last week J. came with because a nutritionist came to talk with us. It was good to have J. see who else was going through the same thing as us. It was also hard to hear about what we "shouldn't" be eating. More on that later.

- We met with the RE on Monday. We are on the path of IVF. We are going to try one more IUI this month. The plan would be that if it doesn't work we will take June to get over the cysts (that I get every month after IUI) and we will do IVF in July. There is a lot of pressure for this IUI cycle to work because IVF is really expensive. I am hoping the added pressure will scare us into getting pregnant and not the opposite.

- I went to see my family practice doctor because of the depression and anxiety I was feeling. She prescribed a low dose anti-depressant. I'm not sure if it is a placibo effect, but I am feeling a little more "numb" lately. My terrible students are not bugging me as much and I seem to be more okay with pregnant people around me. This could be all a mental thing - thinking the meds are really helping me - but I will take what I can get!

- When I was at the family practice doc she asked if I had ever had my thyroid checked. If I did I couldn't remember. So she checked it. Apparently I have hypo-thyroidism - who knew!?!?! So I'm on meds for that now too. It could have an effect on our fertility, but probably more on my moods. Maybe it will help me loose those 5lbs I have been wanting to loose.

Okay so that was longer than a short update. . .

Fertility Yoga

2009-04-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am going to start of workshop on Fertility Yoga. I have only done yoga about 3 times in my entire life, but this sounds like a great class. It seems like it will be a great workshop. I believe that I was meant to take this workshop. A friend of mine sent me the link. She received the e-mail from being on an yoga e-mail list when she was pregnant. She had taken some pre-natal yoga classes. The more I looked into this fertility yoga class I realized that it is literally less than a mile from our house and sounds like just what I need.

Part of the class description:
"Nutritional Weight and Wellness, a healthy home healthy surroundings segment, a Maya abdominal massage therapist, an acupuncturist, a family therapist, and we'll have lots of time for yoga and meditation as well."

J. asked me when I told him about the class if it was a class for people struggling to get pregnant. I am assuming that is the case since it is called fertility yoga. I guess it could be for people who aren't necessarily struggling to get pregnant but rather just beginning to TTC. I guess I will find out tonight. As long as I'm not there with a bunch of women with growing bellies I will be fine.

The rain just set in here. Good day to be lazy.

Announcement and Showers

2009-04-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night J. came home and told me of an announcement he received at work. A co-worker who had been struggling with infertility said that he and his wife were pregnant. They had tried 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles and got pregnant on a "break" on their own. Silly doctors! He seemed very cautious last night about telling me. Obviously since we found out about our failed attempt on Monday he was right in being cautious. I was fine. Some how I can take it easier to hear about couples who have struggled as much or more than we have than someone who was off the pill for a month or so. But, when J. got home today he shared with me that when this co-worker made the official announcement to the entire office he felt that pain of jealousy and hurt that it wasn't us making the announcement. This is the first time he has felt this way. I sympathized with him and said "it sucks, doesn't it?" I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone and I'm sorry he is going through it. But, I am partially thinking that he will understand me and my feelings better now that he has experienced the same pain from an announcement.

Today was our annual baby/wedding shower at school. We honor and celebrate everyone in the school on one day. Last year my grade level had to plan the event - Ugh! This year I was happy I didn't have to be a part of it. I put my donation into the envelope for the gifts when they came around. I used the quiet time in my classroom to do some planning. About a half hour into the party one of my dear co-workers who knows what we have been going through brought me a cup of punch and a piece of cake. I apologized for not attending and she said, "don't think a second thought about it. I know it must be hard on you that is why I brought the cake to you." She is the BEST!!!! The cake was really good too!

I went on a run after school today. The cysts are sore to run with so it was more of a run/walk. But, I made it around the lake we live by - about 3 miles round trip from our house. I need to do that more. I feel great and I bet I will sleep good tonight - the red wine I'm sipping with help that too! :-)

Hello ICLWers

2009-04-21T11:18:00.001-07:00

Quick update:

I got my period on Friday half way through the day. It was way more than just implantation spotting. I kept my Beta testing and ultrasound appointment for Monday. The Beta confirmed the negative pregnancy test. I have huge cysts on my ovaries as well again. They really hurt this time so there is no doubt I will start the pill and I have been taking lots of Advil.

I am feeling okay about this. I think I had so many days of spotting that I had prepared myself for it. Of course I’m sad and wish that we didn’t have to do this again, but I feel like I am handling it better this month. We have an appointment scheduled with an RE on May 3^rd. We saw him last year and he said to stay the course. We are going to see what he will say after it’s been another year of TTC, miscarriage and such.

There are only 34 more days (yes I’m counting) left to the school year. I have had a challenging year and I’m certain a summer of some stress free days and rest will help. We are feeling certain we would like to do IVF this summer and we are hoping the RE agrees to take us. Now it is just figuring out how to pay for it. . . Maybe we shouldn’t have gone on that spring break trip. . . Oh, well it was good for our marriage at the time.

Welcome to my blog!

Random thoughts and feelings

2009-04-15T18:44:00.001-07:00

So many things running through my mind right now I'm just going to list them:

Today at lunch my very nice, considerate co-worker was talking with me about what I have heard about my teaching placement for next year. My snotty co-worker who has always been nothing but cold me to said "You should just get pregnant and stay home." She knows I had a miscarriage this fall. UGH! I just wanted to slap her!
I made a call to my very good friend today to ask her how things were going at home with her baby that was bornon March 6th. I asked lots of questions about her and the baby. It was a nice conversation and I felt good about touching base with her even though it is hard for me to her about the baby. She sent me a text message that said this: "I didn't even ask about you. . .did you want to talk about anything? Dave asked how you were doing and I said fine, but I guess I don't know for sure. . ." I haven't responded to that yet. I'm not sure how to. Suggestions?
I was flipping channels and came across one of those TLC shows of a family with 10+ kids. I got to thinking, why don't they have stories abou couples that have troubles having even one kid?
I had a little bleeding and cramping today. . . this concerns me a bit because I woke up this morning and remembered that I forgot to take my progesterone pill last night. We were at the Twins baseball game and it went to 11 innings. We got home late and I went right to bed. I completely forgot to take it. I can't believe that missing it just one day would have done something, but I'm not sure. I took it this morning and I will again tonight - hopefully that isn't too much in one day. But of course it could be that infamous implantation bleeding that people talk about. I am 10 days post IUI so that might be it.

That's about it. . .for today!

Unknowns

2009-04-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

I am testing on Friday! J. doesn't want me to, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm not one of those strong people to be able to wait until the Beta test (that won't happen until next Monday). We are going out with friends Friday night to the Sugarland concert and I kind of want to know that morning if I can have some drinks or not. The past 3 IUI's AF arrived on day 13 post IUI and Friday will be day 11. It might be a bit early. . .but it is what I put in my head and I can't get it out.

It became official today that I will not be teaching at the same elementary school that I have taught at for the last 3 years. I am going to be very sad to leave this school as I love almost every part of it. I don't know what school I will be going to or what grade I will be teaching, but I do know I will have a job. That is a lot more than what other people have in their careers right now so I am trying to look on the bright side of things. It is just hard to have had the e-mail sent out to the entire school today. It made it more official to see it in print. It is also hard to deal with the unknown. There are so many unknowns circling around me right now.

Blog Award

2009-04-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

I was nominated for a blog award by Flower! Thank you so much! I started this blog thinking no one would read it and now I have followers that are actually interested in what I have to say. It makes me sad that there are so many of us out there that need to blog about infertility, but I am thankful to have this Sisterhood of bloggers to help out with my journey.

Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.

3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate the following blogs:

Here's to Another Day

Journey of Faith - a path to Motherhood

I Married Barney, Now What?

The Maybe Babies

Trying to Make Three

There's a baby at the end of this, right?

T and Cookies

2 years and counting. . .

2009-03-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

The end of this month marks 2 years since we decided to go off the pill and give this baby making thing a try! I knew it might be tough for us, but I never imagined I would be looking at 2 years!

I am CD1 of my 3rd cycle since our last IUI attempt. I took the last two off to get physical over the last attempt (get rid of the cysts) and emotionally ready to do this again. I could not bring myself to take the BCP to get rid of the cysts so I was just hoping that time would do that.

I went in this morning for my baseline ultrasound and all looks good! Whew! I think it would have been hard to hear that I should have gone on the pill because the cysts were still there.

We will do the same as the last 3 IUI attempts. Gonal-f injections to stimulate my follicles, Ovidrel to trigger ovulation and then the IUI. We have the IUI scheduled for April 6th. That was the exact day I ran the Paris Marathon last April with my mom so I am hoping that will be a good luck day for me.

We leave for Florida tomorrow so I will be traveling with my injections, but I had lots of chats with the pharmacist, doctor’s office, and searched through the TSA website to make sure I have all the notes, Rx’s, and things I need to get through security. I should be good to go. I better not have to leave the Rx at the airport because it was $1000!!!!

Send me all the luck, wishes, prayers, etc. that you possibly can for a December/January baby in my future!

Hello March ICLW

2009-03-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone,

I hope to do better with this comment leaving this month than last. I love reading all the messages and I need to do a better job at returning the favor. Quick information about me:

I have married to a wonderful man since September 2004.
We have been TTC since April of 2007 (coming up on 24 months!)
We have done the CBEFM, clomid, Gonal-f with IUI
I had an ectopic pregnancy in September
We made our 3rd IUI attempt in January and it failed
We were on a bit of a medical and emotional break the last two months
I am hoping to go in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday to start the process of IUI again

So for some fun stuff:

We have traveled a ton and love it! We leave for Florida on Saturday for a week vacation!
I am a 3rd grade teacher so I NEED this week vacation!
I ran the Paris marathon last April with my Mom!

Thank you for coming to read about my journey and THANK YOU for all your support!

e-mail response

2009-03-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

(E-mail that I received today)

“We didn't get much of a chance to talk at the party, but I have been thinking of you lots and hope things are going well for you and that you've been feeling good too.
A.”

(How I wanted to respond, however I just deleted it with not response instead)

Dear A.,
I was fine with us not getting much time to talk at our party, because you were too hard to look at in your ever growing belly filled with twins. As if your belly wasn’t calling enough attention, you also wore a bright green shirt with the words “A wee bit of Irish in me” with a giant arrow pointing at your belly printed on it.

And while you are asking, things are not going well for me and I am not feeling good. You tell me that you know what we are going through but yet you decline to share any of your journey with us. You tell me that things will work out for us they way they did for you, but I have know idea what things happened to be able to work out for you.

I respect the fact that you want to focus ahead on the positive things happening in your life with the upcoming birth of your twins, but you have to remember that we are back here still in the sadness you say you once experienced but refuse to tell me about.

So sorry that I didn’t want to sit on the couch with you all night at the party at our house and hear about your babies and feel them kick.

I was much more content to be celebrating St. Patrick’s day at our bar drinking Guinness.

Aren’t you glad you ask?
K.

(Any suggestions ICLWers have on how you handle these e-mails from friends I would love them, obviously this response e-mail would not be appropriate)

Counseling

2009-03-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

I went to a counseling appointment yesterday. I found this gal’s name on the Resolve website. It was crazy to get to this appointment because it was at 3:00 and my school day doesn’t end until 3:20. So I ask our librarian if she would take my kids for the last hour of the day so I could get to the appointment. She worked it out and I was so thankful for it.

This was an initial intake meeting. I told her about our journey so far, all those things on my list from my previous post and how I can’t think about another medicated cycle right now in the mental state that I am in.

She had a few recommendations for us. She thinks we should go back to the RE for another second opinion. We saw him this summer but that was prior to the miscarriage this fall and it was 9 months ago that we saw him. When we did he said that he wouldn’t be doing anything differently than my current clinic and he is more expensive so we stayed where we were at. She thinks it would be worth the second opinion again. At least to have it on his schedule since it is quite awhile to be able to get into see him.

She also thought it would be good to think about the IVF route. I haven’t even thought about this. We have 5 more IUI cycles that insurance will pay for so I thought we would exhaust those before we even talk about IVF, but she thinks that it would help my emotional health to just jump to that. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but it isn’t a cheap process or one that is without its own emotional health issues.

I talked with J. about this when I got home and after him being mad about me not telling him about the appointment (seriously!) he said that we should try 2 more IUI attempts and then seriously think about going that route. I do like that idea.

At the end of the appointment she said this: “there are studies that show the depression infertility patients feel is comparable to that of cancer patients. The difference is that infertility patients suffer their depression mostly alone, where cancer patients are rallied around by everyone.”

I realize that I am not going to die from my “illness” the way a cancer patient could die from theirs, but some days I wish that people were dropping meals by my door, fundraising for my treatment, sitting with me at appointments, etc. J. has been a great person to help with all those things, but it isn’t fair he has to be the only one to do it.

So I am hoping that this counselor can help ease some of his burden.

So much news. . .

2009-03-08T20:02:00.001-07:00

I am just going to make bullets because there is so much on my mind I just need to get it out in a list:

Last Sunday evening I received the news from my aunt ther her neice (her husband's neice) was pregnant again after having twins out of wed-lock 6 months ago.
A VERY good friend of mine (K.)ask me about our fertility journey for the first time in a while and when I told her that it wasn't fair for me to talk with her about my sadness because she was experiencing the happiness of a baby soon she told me that as friends we need to experience sadness and happiness together. A day later she sent me a text message that she was in the hospital having her first baby.
I called another friend of mine (C.) on Saturday morning to see if it would be okay that I call K. at the hospital to hear the news of her baby. I wasn't sure if I should bug them and I was nervous that since we hadn't heard anything that something might not be okay. C. was also in the hospital and had given birth to her 2nd baby.
Two babies born in the same day!
Dinner at my Mom's tonight. They were in Honduras for a Doctor's without Borders type mission. She said she was happy to see me becuase sh kept thinking about me when she was seeing mother's and their daughters who were pregnant at 15 years old or younger and that it is okay that I have waited until 30 to have a baby.
I hate that I am on Facebook because yet another close friend of mine is pregnant with twins and just posted as much on her facebook page saying that she is having both a boy and a girl. She went through some sort of infertility because she recommended her doctor (who we went to for a 2nd opinion so I know his practice), but she refuses to say anything more to me than "I know what you are going through and everything will work out someday for you."
AND to top it all off, J. just doesn't get why I am sad for all of this baby birthing and making. . .he just keeps telling me we need to have more sex. . .
. . .I'm not in the mood. . .

I'm crabby

2009-02-28T10:14:00.001-08:00

You know how you get into one of those moods where nothing will make you happy. I am in one of those this morning. I am cramping pretty bad from AF and it pisses me off that it is a consent reminder of not being pregnant again another month. We weren't offically trying this month because of the cysts from the last medicated cycle, but I made the decision not to go on the pill so there was always a chance.

J. said this morning that he really was hoping we would have gotten pregnant on our own this month. He knows that we have to do the IUI thing, but he doesn't want to think that a tube would get me pregnant. It is a male ego thing that he can't let go of. I think he was hoping that we could have just gotten pregnant this month and then his man-hood would be safe.

That's about all for now. I might call the doctor's office on Monday to get a baseline done just to see if the cysts are still there, but I still think I am going to wait another month or so before attempting IUI again. It is just so emotionally exhausting and I have the rest of the school year to get through.

Last night of my 20's

2009-02-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am turning 30 tomorrow. I have been dreading this day since Feb. 24th 2008. I have spent the entire year reflecting about where I am in life. If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I would be on my 30th birthday I would have said that I was running around my house with 3 kiddos at my heals.
There are days that the image of that not happening is too much to bear and I want to be as far away from 30 as possible.
Luckily the night before my birthday I am not having one of those days. I have some how convinced myself that I am happy that I am not pregnant right now. I think I accomplished that by planning a sushi making class for me and 14 of my friends and if I was pregnant I wouldn't be able to eat all that raw fish. Also, having a few cocktails to get through my 30th will help as well.
I am just hoping that the day I am 30 years and 1 day that I am feeling the same way!
But, until then. . .

I'm feeling better

2009-02-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

I know, I know two posts in one day. But I haven't posted in a while and with a couple of days on the beach and hours spent in the airport I have had a lot of time to think. I may have to figure out how to mobile blog.

I am feeling better. It is amazing. I think I just forced myself to get out of the funk I was in after the failed IUI. I started looking to the future more and setting goals that are crushed 2 weeks at a time. I have signed up for a half marathon at the end of May for many different reasons:

#1 - to have something else on my calendar other than cycle charting.

#2 - to get back into shape. IF treatment really has gotten me out of shape. A lot of it is self-inflicted, but between being over stimulated from the drugs and hearing the threat of flipping ovaries to massive cysts because of the drugs, etc., etc., I have not been in the greatest condition to work out.

#3 - exercise really is a natural anti-depressant and I can use all of that I can get!

So not that I am patting myself on the back or anything, but since I am feeling better I scheduled a dinner with two of my friends who are both within 3 weeks of giving birth. I sat at the dinner tonight, talked about my vacation, books we were reading and asked questions about their pregnancies. Not a lot, but enough to show I do really care about them and their pregnancies.

I was glad I got that all out of my system because I am not sure when I will be able to do that again. However, the next time I see them they will probably be both nursing newborns.

One day at a time. . .

A picture for the future

2009-02-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

No we're no pregnant!

When I was in my 2ww from the last IUI attempt I had thoughts of announcing to everyone by having them look through pictures of our vacation and coming upon this one.

We wrote it in the sand anyway. I am pretty sure I ovulated this weekend. I am also pretty sure the cysts still exist because it was quite a painful ovulation. However we did "attempt" to make a baby on our own this weekend while we were in Jamaica. It was a relaxing weekend with nothing to do but lay in the sun and sip pina coladas. So no one can accuse me of not being "relaxed."

So as we all know that our plans change and get pushed back through this entire IF process I have made a new plan. On the chance that we did get pregnant this weekend I thought it would be fun to still announce it this way. After this month I may end up deleting those pictures as our plans change again, but for now it will stay tucked away on my computer.

p.s. Jamaica was great! We were only in the sun for 3 days and actually one of them was pretty cloudy, but it was just what my internal psychologist ordered for me as therapy!

I'm not doing it

2009-02-03T19:44:00.000-08:00

Taking the pill. I know I should be but I'm not. I am supposed to be taking it to get the cysts to go away, but I forgot to take them with me this weekend. Then they were in my car and I kept forgetting to take them. So I have decided that I'm not. I hope I don't regret my decision, but I am in no pain and I think I will be okay.
I programed my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor tonight. I have not done that for probably 9 months. And as I write this I am thinking I shouldn't have done it tonight because then my testing window is going to be off. Crap!
Oh well, I will try it out. I think I just want to TTC the "old fashion" way for a little bit. J. and I need some reconnection and this month might be the right month for that.
Whether it is a Hallmark holiday or not I do feel like February is the month of love!

I can't take it anymore

2009-02-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't gone through this process of infertility nearly as long as others, but it has been long enough for me! I was so sure this time was going to be the time. My doctor's and nurses thought this time was going to be the time. There were so many plans I was already making in my mind for everything baby-related:

- Bringing champagne to the cabin this weekend to toast our recent good news with our friends.
- Writing "we're pregnant" in the sand in Jamaica when we are there in two weeks, hand a stack of vacation pictures to friends and family to have them happen upon that picture to tell them the news.
- Not starting the school year next year because I would be having a baby soon after the start of the school year.
- Celebrating my 30th birthday this month knowing that I would have my first child when I am 30.

But, none of that is happening now and with the cysts I developed from the drugs we can't try again until probably March.

I am just very sad, very angry, and I can't understand why this time didn't work. I would like to believe everyone that tries to make me feel better with "it will happen when it is the right time." I can't understand right now why now isn't "the right time". I have done everything right in my life. I graduated high school, college, graduate school. I got married, we have a nice house with a nice fenced in yard. We got the dog first to "practice" being responsible for something other than ourselves. We have traveled the world. We have good jobs, no other debt besides our house and my education. Argh! How can NOW not be the RIGHT TIME!

At times like these I can't possibly convince myself that this is all happening for a reason and all will be revealed when the time is right. All I can do is be angry and sad.

WTF?!?!?

2009-01-30T07:05:00.000-08:00

Family: Octuplets' mother has 6 other children

When I originally heard about this story I thought "Wow, a couple goes in for treatment and they end up with 8 babies. She must have had an IUI done because there is no way a doctor would implant 8 embryos with IVF. They must be so happy to finally have the babies they have always wanted, but scared about having to have 8 all at once."

But, this morning I am watching the news to find out that she had 6 other kids at home already, she is "young" (not sure what that means), they don't know who the dad is, AND she is living with her parents.

I read this article this morning and read a statement from her dad, "we have a big house. . .the media won't find out where that big house is at"

This is all very weird! Also very hard to read the morning after my sad news day.

Blue Straw

2009-01-29T19:35:00.000-08:00

Today was a really sad day so I decided on the blue straw for my margarita.

I woke up to bleeding this morning and a lot of cramping. I POAS and it was negative. I wasn't scheduled for my HCG until tomorrow morning, but I couldn't take it any longer. So I just showed up at the doctor's office and asked if I could ask the IF nurse if she would test me early. I could barely get my name out through my tears to the receptionist, but she was so considerate. She just wrote my name down, handed me a kleenex and told me she would let me know as soon as she got in. Luckily she didn't have an appointment until 8:30 so she was able to see me no problem. She drew my blood and did my baseline ultrasound.

I have a "large" cyst on both ovaries and little ones all around.

She called around 11:45 with the HCG results. Negative.

So I am suppose to start the BCP for the cysts and stop the progesterone. Part of me wants to not go on the pill and just try on our own for a month or so. I know the cysts will go away faster with the bcp, but it is really hard for me to do that right now.

This really SUCKS!!!

"It never gets easier" that is what I said to J. tonight. It doesn't matter how many times we go through months like this, it never gets easier.

4 more tests to go. . .

2009-01-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

I POAS this morning and it was negative. But, it is still really early! We are only 9 days post IUI. BUT, I bought 3 more tests today. That will get me through Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. If they all come up negative I am still holding out hope that urine tests don't work for me and that my HCG numbers are late bloomers!

Thank you for the answers to the HCG numbers questions I had. They all make a lot of sense and I am glad Monday is down, only 3 more to get through until the BIG TEST!

ICLWer's - help please

2009-01-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

Anyone know the answer to this question?

Can you help me answer this question?
I go on Friday for my quantative HCG test. IUI was on 1/17. I went in this last friday for a progesterone test and I was told that "my number was awesome" I guess it was 20 and anything over 15 is "awesome".

So my question is this:
On Friday will I possibly be able to know FOR SURE that I am pregnant when they do the HCG test? My doc told me that there is "a chance" that I will have to get re-tested on Monday to see if my numbers doubled. But is there a chance that we will have a really good number on Friday and just have to get tested on Monday again to be on the safe side?

What would a really good number be?

In October when I started bleeding from the m/c my highest number was 167 and I was 3 weeks post IUI. They had never tested my HCG prior to that so I have nothing to compare it to.

For the record. . .I think I will probably be testing every day this week just for fun. I am not going to tell J., but I am going crazy and I don't think I can wait. :-)

Kick in the stomach

2009-01-23T13:18:00.000-08:00

It is always hard to hear when friends are pregnant. Out of my group of 5 close girlfriends 1 had a baby last Jan, 1 is due in March, and one just annouced she was pregnant. I sent an e-mail on a "good day" I was having to ask how her Dr. appointment whent hoping she would e-mail back right away and tell me short and sweet. Well, it took 5 days for her to e-mail me back and that came yesterday. I wasn't having a particularily bad day, but I wasn't prepared for what I was about to read as I was leaving school - she is having twins.

Sometimes out of no where I feel these kicks in the stomach.

I am off to in-law land to celebrate J.'s mom's 60th birthday. Wish me luck!

Renewed Hope

2009-01-21T19:45:00.001-08:00

No matter your political views yesterday was an amazing day. I was telling my third graders that any time a new President is sworn into office it is a great thing to witness. There has only been 44 so far in our young nation's history.

It is this renewed hope that I have been clinging onto in this new year. It is my hope that the past few years of hardship will be turned around in the coming years, mine included.

Anything to get pregnant!

2009-01-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

In my quest to get pregnant I have tried acupuncture this cycle. I was referred to this wonderful doctor from a fellow IF friend of mine. She is a very understanding women. She had secondary IF and tried to get pregnant with their 2nd for 6 years. She ended up pregnant with quads (giving birth to 3 of them) after an IUI. She gives me such great hope. I am not sure if I truly believe in the holistic side of medicine, but her gentle way of relaxing me and making me feel like I am not alone can't hurt.

Another note I didn't mention before, but came up at my post-op visit on Monday from the laparoscopy in December. I had received a phone call from my doctor's office about 2 weeks after the surgery to see how I was. I missed the call and had to call the nurse back. This nurse was not one of my informed IF nurses, she was one of the OB nurses. When she picked up my phone call she asked me how I was feeling after having my baby. I was nice about it and said that I didn't have a baby that I had a laparoscopy because I have been unable to get pregnant. I had actually forgotten about it, but my doctor was so embarrassed and apologized over and over again at my appointment. It really wasn't that big of a deal to me, she caught me on a good day with that comment, but it was good to hear that my doctor was upset about it. Shows she cares.

I wish it was next Friday

2009-01-19T17:56:00.000-08:00

I had my IUI on Saturday. I had 4 "good looking" follicles: sizes 17, 16, 16, and 15 and two follicles that were at 13 and I was told those had great potential.

They were nervous that I was over-stimulated and told me to drink lots of fluids and limit my salt intake. I think I will be just fine.

I am going in on Friday for a progesterone test and then on the 30th for a quantitative HCG test. I promised J. that I would spend all next week testing, but I think I probably will. How can I not?!? There is a chance that I might get a BFP prior to the HCG test on Friday.

I am trying really hard not to freak out about this 2ww, but I can't help it.

I went in for my post-op from the laparoscopy today and my doctor reiterated that I have a had a very nice looking cycle and that she has good feelings about this. I have good feelings to, I will just feel a WHOLE lot better on the 30th.

She did point out that depending upon the first HCG number, I may have to come back on Monday to make sure that the numbers doubled. I am hoping that the results are so great that there is no doubt that things are on the right track.

Infertility Registry

2009-01-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

Last week I was shopping from a baby registry and really hated every moment of it. I know I was doing the "nice friend thing" but it was so hard to see all the nice things she has already gotten and what was need “needed” for her new baby and new life with her husband. I even noticed that her husband put some gifts for himself on the registry: a Vikings blanket and pillow. Well, maybe that was for the baby, but it wasn’t in the baby section.

So I got to thinking how nice it would be to create an infertility registry and what I would put on it:

Bottle of red wine to help numb the pain (have 0, need 6)

Box of Kleenex with lotion to dry the tears of loss/failure (have 0, need 4)

Whole caffeinated coffee beans to help me get up every morning and try to function (have 0, need 5 lbs.)

Elastic waist pants for those weeks of bloating due to injections and progesterone (have 0, need 2)

Margarita mix (tequila included) for the nights when waking up the next morning to red wine stains on my teeth would prompt my friends to stage an intervention (have 0, need 3)

Case of Guinness beer for husband to drink at any free moment away from consoling hysterical wife (have 0, need 4)

Gift cards accepted to pharmacy for infertility drugs (suggested dollar amount $1000)

Now that's a registry I could handle taking a look at!

Quick message

2009-01-14T18:55:00.000-08:00

I am so tired this week. My students and these drugs are kicking my butt!
There are so many things I want to say, but I am going to quickly just give an update. I went in for an ultrasound and blood work this morning. My estrodial (sp?) test was 587 - I have no idea what that means, but I think it is high. I had (again I can't remember) 6-7 follicles on my right ovary and 4-5 on my left. Apparently they are worried I have too many. So I have to go back in tomorrow for a repeat ultrasound and blood work. They want to see how many end up turning "mature". They are mentioning "selective reduction" if too many would fertilize and to have that conversation with J. to make sure we have some sort of a thought in our head about what we would want to do.
Seriously!!! Just get me pregnant with as many babies as you can. . .keep the pregnancy longer than 6 weeks and we will deal with it then. I am not abandoning this cycle because they are worried about too many follicles!
I just want to get pregnant. . .we can figure it out later.
I know I will think more clearly tomorrow when I am less tired and less cold (it is -25 wind chill here right now).
I am going to bed now.

The fun begins

2009-01-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a fellow IF friend the other night out at dinner about how I was excited about this cycle. She asked me how I could be so excited. She recently found out that their 2nd successful IVF implantation attempt has ended in a miscarriage after 6 weeks. I can't even imagine how she is feeling, but I told her that I understand a bit. I was so, so depressed this fall after our miscarriage and it really has taken until now to feel even remotely ready to try this roller coaster again. She is at that point right now, she wants nothing to do with the process that would be cause her the pain she is feeling now.
She and her hubby on are a much deserved vacation in Hawaii right now. It can't take the pain away, but it might help the sadness a bit. Minnesota is hard enough to live in during the winter, but even harder when you are sad about something.

But, I do feel excited about this cycle. J. keeps looking and me and laughing about how happy I am. I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday and all was clear. I started the Gonal-f injections on Friday night and will do those until Wednesday morning when I go in for another ultrasound. I had contacted an acupuncturist after the last IUI when we were told it didn't work. I was going to start seeing her during the next attempt. (Read "our journey" to see what happened then) I called her again this last week to see what she would have planned for me this time. She is a mother of triplets, conceived from an IUI. She knows exactly what we have gone through. She was full of cautious optimism (I think this is the best kind - giving me hope, but not the fake kind - the realistic kind) and a plan that I can live with. She kept telling me that she was sorry for what I went through this fall and how she wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It is amazing how comforting that feels from people who you know "get it".

So I will start acupuncture this coming Wednesday. We will know more after the ultrasound that morning and the blood work when we will do the IUI. Since my first two IUI cycles were identical I am guessing the IUI will be on either Friday or Saturday.

At dinner on Saturday night I told J. that I wasn't scared about this cycle not working, I was scared that it would work and then end in a miscarriage. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle that again. They say you are given only as much as you can handle. . .I really hope that whoever makes those decisions doesn't think I can handle it again either!

What is a memory?

2009-01-08T18:07:00.000-08:00

While reading a story to my students to get them thinking about writing a Memoir (yes, 3rd graders can write memoirs) I found myself getting choked up.

The story I was reading is Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox. It is about a little boy who lives next to a "old people home" and his very best friend there is Miss Nancy Alison Delacourt Cooper (because she has four names like him). She has lost her memory and Wilfred Gordon wants to help her get it back. So he asks the other "old people" what a memory is and these are the answers he gets:

Something from long ago

Something that makes you laugh

Something warm

Something that makes you cry

Something as precious as gold

Wilfred Gordon went to his house and got items that demonstrated all those different descriptions and brought them to Miss Nancy to help her find her memory.

Sniff, Sniff. . . read the book it is much better than my description.

So I got to thinking about those descriptions and what items I would take from my life to get my memory back.

Something from long ago. . .

A rolling pin that my Grandfather gave me for my wedding. It is one of those old wooden ones and it may seem chauvinistic, but it shows that even though I didn't think my Grandfather knew me that well he really did. I love to cook and bake and he knew that. It was one of the sweetest gifts I got for our wedding.

Something that makes you laugh. . .

My puppy. She is a pug and seriously they are the funniest dogs, or at least ours is. She is the biggest princess especially now during a MN winter and J. says that is because I baby her too much.

Something warm. . .

A flower hair pin. that I bought on our honeymoon in Hawaii. Every time I come across it I can almost feel the warm weather. I have not worn it since our Honeymoon in 2004, but I keep saving it for that big anniversary trip we take someday.

Something that makes you cry. . .

One thing. . .it seems so many things make me cry these days. The latest is the changing table that my cousin gave me the summer we started TTC (2007) and I put it in the "baby room." I don't go in that room too often since it is a spare bedroom that houses my scrapbooking supplies. But, I go in there enough to see it and it always makes me sad.

Something as precious as gold. . .

My hubby J. I can't even believe how unbelievable he has been through this whole process. He should have left me a few psychotic months ago, but he didn't and that makes him as precious as gold.

I drank the Champagne

2009-01-07T17:37:00.000-08:00

So I got AF today. I have never been so happy to get my period before. I was really hoping when I called my IF nurse today that she would have said that I didn't have to come in for a baseline ultrasound (since I just had the pelvic laparoscopy) for two reasons:

#1 - they are vaginal and seriously I am done with things getting stuck up there (sorry J. I don't mean you)

#2 - I am a teacher and the IF nurses are only at the clinic from 7:30 a.m. -1:30. So that means if they don't have a 7:30 appointment available I will have to take a half day for a 3 minute appointment and make sub plans.

But, she called back and said that in fact we need to do one because since my period has started I could have developed cysts and they need to know about that first. Luckily they had a 7:30 appointment available tomorrow morning. So I am going to play hookie from our staff meeting tomorrow morning and go to the appointment.

I am so excited for this process to start again. But, I am SUPER nervous too.

Excited because: I really feel like it is going to work this time! This fall was HORRIBLE, really horrible. The only thing that got me through was convincing myself that after my BFF's wedding on Jan. 3rd things would be better and happier. I am excited because the wedding was so much fun and it was good to have something happy to look forward to.

Nervous because: I have been able to fool myself out of the depression I was in only a month ago by convincing myself that the bright side of me losing the baby is that I would be able to drink champagne at my BFF's wedding.

Well, I drank the champagne and now here I am with my BFF on her Honeymoon and I am excited to have have got my period today.

Teacher's Lounge

2009-01-06T17:16:00.001-08:00

I am a elementary school teacher. I am not sure if I have mentioned that before. Which means about 99% of my co-workers are female. So at any given time there are usually 2-3 women pregnant in our building. Right now there are 3. One due tomorrow, one due in February and one due in the Spring. I can't even bring myself to ask about when the 3rd one is due but, I think it is sometime in the Spring.

It is customary for expectant mothers to make their announcement in true elementary style in the lounge (candy, a cute poster and catchy rhyme to break. . .I mean share the news). The first two didn't "announce" - I'm not sure why. The third one announced right after I found out about our miscarriage. I couldn't even look at the announcement.

Now I am finding that I can't even have lunch in the lounge. There was much talk about the teacher who is due tomorrow since she didn't come back from Winter Break (for obvious reasons). Then the talk moved to the teacher due this Spring and the cost of her pre-natal care. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from rattling off the cost of IF and how much insurance doesn't want and doesn't cover it. But, I was a good little IF patient and kept my mouth shut!

Maybe I should just eat my lunch in my classroom. . .

The Next Step

2009-01-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

I called the IF Nurse Line today. It still gets to me every time I listen to that message "you have reached the infertility nurse line". I still can't believe that I have to be calling a number that would have a message like that.

My question was: so the laprascopy was clear, can I call you on my next day 1 to start the another cycle or do I have to wait until after my post-operative visit with the doctor. She said it was good to hear my voice (sad to know that she is used to hearing my voice and would actually miss it) and that YES we can start on my next day one!

So I am anxious for AF to arrive. I find it hard to blog without posting a picture so I thought this picture would be appropriate! The thought of AF makes me think of wine so this fits!

picture from www.halfthedeck.com

A Card

2009-01-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

I really hope I didn't over step any lines I shouldn't have today, but I sent J.'s cousin's wife a card today. It was a general "I am sorry things suck right now" card. I said in so many words that we are traveling down the same road as them and that if they want someone to talk to, cry with or just sit in the same room with someone who understands what they are going through that we were there for them.

I also said I was sorry for how I found out this information about them. I think she will know what I mean by that. I really am sorry for that, it just breaks my heart .

I had received the most wonderful card from my very first friend in this IF journey I would like to share those words here, I read them over and over as a way to help me cope:

It is difficult for other to understand

the depth of the loss we feel

for the child who will never be born.

Even those closest to us

may wonder why

we cant seem to get over it.

What they don't understand is

how we already loved that little one

and love never ends.

Though the dreams and plans we had

must be gently laid to rest

we each must take our own time

and, in our own way, find the strength

to let hope be a part of us once again.

If you need someone to talk to,

I'm here.

The start of the New Year

2009-01-01T18:47:00.001-08:00

This is going to be OUR year! That is what J. and I keep telling each other. We really truly believe that!

Here is a random picture from my first day of the New Year.

Today I was going to sit on the couch all day long and rest up for my BFF's wedding this weekend. My Mom called and asked if I wanted to drive with her and my brother to my Grandma's for dinner. As much as I didn't want to get off the couch, I thought that this would be a great way for start the New Year! My Grandma is one of my most favorite people. This picture is of what I came home with from her house. If anything in life is for certain is it that you will never leave my Grandma's hungry and you will always go home with another 2-3 dinners.
In order to make everyone happy she made two kinds of meat (beef and ham), three different kinds of potatoes (dumplings, mashed, and baked, and of course either ice cream or whip cream for your apple pie.
Even though I have to fit into a bridesmaid dress in 2 days - it was a great way to start the New Year!

It just breaks my heart

2008-12-30T07:04:00.000-08:00

So J.'s SIL (let's call her K.) is a very nosey person. She is a stay at home mom and her connection to the adult world is attempting to be in everyone's business. For better or worse I gave in to her questions about why we weren't pregnant yet.
In the nicest way I can I have been slowly letting her know that her constant questions and implications is very hurtful to those who are unable to get pregnant by looking at their spouse like she is. I guess I need to be more blunt.
J.'s cousin has a 3 year old. We were unable to make it to that side of the family's Christmas earlier in December, but I of course heard all about it from K. She said that while the girls were playing with their presents she was telling the 3 year old that she should tell Mommy and Daddy to give her a brother or sister. . . wouldn't it be nice to have someone to play with. . . she doesn't want to be an only child. . . on and on. Well her mom started crying and told K. that they have been trying to "give her a sibling" but haven't been able to get pregnant.
It just broke my heart to hear this story. Seriously, has nothing I said to her made her the least bit more sensitive to conversations like that?!?!
I know she doesn't understand what we are going through. She even admitted that she takes for granted the fact that they got pregnant so easily, but I think it is all things that she says in order to get out of these embarrassing situations.
It just breaks my heart to hear about more people having to go through this pain that we have gone through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

"Not the Worst Christmas"

2008-12-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin with these Holidays? I feel like J. and my last statement tonight sums it all up, “It wasn’t the worst Christmas season we have been through!”

That isn’t saying much, but at least it wasn’t the worse. We started on Christmas Eve at my mom’s house. She was actually a bit crabby. Which isn’t like her on when she is having people over to her house. One of my brothers wasn’t there because he has this “really important” job and couldn’t fly into town for Christmas Eve. She was crabby about that. I don’t understand why she wasn’t just happy that he wasn’t around to pretend he knows everything and start fights just for the fun of it. Maybe his absence was the start of things not being that bad this Christmas.

I had a bit of a cold that I was getting over and still a bit sore from the pelvic laparoscopy (see picture J. took to the left, you can't see anything, but he still wanted to take a picture) , not that I was getting much sympathy from my mom. I have not shared any of this journey with my Grandma and she was there that night so I refrained from talking about anything. She is a very spiritual person. She has Virgin Mary’s all over her house with holy water sitting under them. Anything that goes wrong with anyone she cares about she acts as though it was her fault and spends all day praying her rosary. Despite the advice of my mom’s sister I have not told my Grandma any of this. My aunt thinks my Grandma praying for me is going to help me get pregnant. I don’t think I could handle my little old Grandma creating blisters on her fingers praying the rosary for me. Don’t get me wrong I am not disagreeing that prayer can help, but I don’t think me worrying about my Grandma worrying is going to help me out too well either.

Okay, on with the Christmas celebrations. Christmas Day we drove to J.’s family for a couple of nights. I really dread visiting his family and wonder what horrible thing could happen this time. But, like we said, it wasn’t the worst Christmas we have been through. We showed up to the extended O. Family Christmas celebration 3 hours late – perfect timing in my book. But of course J’s SIL was the first to shout out – “Good of you to come” “Where you drinking to much last night” No we just have family that we actually like hanging out with and we had to drive 5 hours on Christmas Day to see you dysfunctional people so sorry we weren’t so quick to get here. Oh if I only could say that and still be able to show my face at the in-laws again.

We survived the couple hours at the extended family celebration and enjoyed the next two days with J.'s nieces. 6 - 4- and 16 months, they were busy and a ton of fun to be around. They get so many toys during the holidays. We were boring and got them clothes, but we took the older ones to a movie. We are hoping that it will be the memories of fun times and hanging out with us that will last longer than the DS games and Polly Pockets.

It wasn't the worst Christmas we have spent, but we are hoping the best are yet to come!

Glad it's winter break

2008-12-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am so glad it is winter break. My stomach is still sore from the surgery on Friday and I can't even imagine going to teach tomorrow. I hope I am feeling better by Christmas Eve though. I don't want to be spending my entire holiday on my back . . . and not in the way you are thinking. :-)

I put together digtal photo key chains for my mom and my mother-in-law tonight and I so wished to be putting baby pictures into them, but maybe next year. I was able to put some fun travel pictures that we have gone on. Many people have said to me "just think if you had a baby you wouldn't be able to go on all those trips."

I would give up all those trips to just be holding a baby in my lap right now. I would much rather have this pain in my stomach be from labor and delivery than from this surgery.

2009 will be a better year! That is what we keep telling ourselves.

Anesthesia - yuck!

2008-12-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

I knew I didn't do well with anesthesia. The last time I was on it was when I got my wisdom teeth out. That was when I was a senior in highschool and I still remember how bad the vomiting was afterward. So I let the anesthesologist know that and he made some ajustments to my meds and it seemed to help. I only threw up once before I left the hospial.

My mom and hubby talked with my doctor after the surgery and she said everything was clear. So I only needed two incisions which was nice! My stomach is still sore from the gas put it in and from the two incisions, but the pain meds they gave me are great!

I woke up from the surgery and after I got more pain meds from the nurse I got a bit emotional. I kept asking myself why I have to go through all this pain - both physical and emotional to be a Mom. The nurses at the hospital were so nice. They said that since I am such a good teacher (I told them I dreamt about my studens while I was put out) I will make a great Mom. They hoped to see me on the 6th floor (must be the maternity floor) the next time I am there. I hope so too!

With every sting of pain I feel in my stomach today I feel it 10 times over in my heart. I hope that since everything is clear that I will be anouncing a pregnancy in January!

I am hoping to call the doctor's office next week to see where we go from here. I am assuming that we will wait until I get Aunt Flo again. I hope we can get started with another IUI as soon into Jan as we can!

Until then, I am sitting on the couch trying to get my dog not to jump on my stomach.

The start. . .

2008-12-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

I am starting this blog, but I am far away from starting the journey of becoming a mother. I don't think anyone will ever read this, but it will make me feel better to write it.

I am a scrapbooker and they say with that process you should start with present day and if you get caught up with that you can then begin to work on the past. That is the approach I am going to take with this blog. I am going to start with how I am feeling and what I am going through tonight on Thursday, December 18th and if I get time and energy I will bring this blog all the way back to April of 2007.

Tonight I am sitting at home alone the night before my pelvic laparoscopy. The first time we scheduled this surgery it was scheduled to see why I wasn't getting pregnant. Now that we have re-scheduled it and are actually going through with it to check to see what may have caused the ecptopic pregnany and again why I am not getting pregnant. Dual purpose surgery!

So that brings me to the past a bit. In September of 2008 we underwent IUI #2, two weeks after the IUI my doctor's office did a urine pregnancy test that came up negative. I stopped the progesterone, had a baseline ultra sound, and started the bcp because cysts were found on both ovaries from the Gonal-f injections. I bled a normal period then stopped. Getting myself prepared for another round of IF treatments and IUI #3. Then the bleeding started again. "Just to be on the safe side" they said take a pregnancy test before we start treatment (at this point I am 4 weeks post IUI).

So during the middle of the school day (I am a teacher) I left school (don't worry my kids were at P.E. class) and got a pregnancy test. I took it in the teacher's restroom and saw that line that I had been waiting 19 months to see. I was pregnant!

But, why wasn't I happy? Because this was the second time I was bleeding since the IUI, how could that be good? Also I had stopped the progesterone and I was told that doing that could force a miscarriage - is that what was happening? And I started the bcp - you hear of people getting pregnant all the time on the pill so that really was the last thing on my mind. The last thing on my mind was that J. (that is my hubby) was out of town for work and he tends to freak out easily about stuff. I didn't want to tell him over the phone.

I called the office and they had me come in the next day for a HCG blood test and progesterone test. I was in fact pregnant, but my levels were really low for how far along I was suppose to be. So there went the next 7 weeks, blood tests, ultrasounds, 2 trips to the oncology floor of the hospital for chemo drugs for an ectopic pregnancy (of which I only got a shot on one of the days). And finally after 47 days of bleeding and tests I was officially not pregnant anymore.

So that is where we are now not pregnant, going in for a surgery tomorrow to figure out why, and dealing with the lovely holidays.