I was seeing a counselor in my darkest days this winter. She had suggested that there may be something inside my psyche that is keeping me from getting pregnant. I do have issues with how I feel my Mother raised me and my brothers. She suggested that I write a letter to myself when I was little - the point of my earliest memories of my relationship with my mother. Telling myself that it is okay that I become a mother and that I will not make the mistakes that she did. Here goes:
It is okay that you feel as though you were cheated out of a Mother. It was not fair of her to pass you and your brothers off on your Grandmother as much as she did. Although you developed a strong faith base and a love for cooking you could have gotten that from her regardless. She would have always been your Grandma.
What you needed from your Mother was an appropriate "birds and bees" talk. It wasn't your fault that your cousin Gina got pregnant at 16. You had nothing to do with that and you didn't deserve the shouting "birds and bees" talk from you after she hung up the phone. You deserved a compassionate talk on your bed one night with your Mom talking about your first period, pads, tampons, shaving, boys, etc.
It is okay that you felt more comfortable talking with your Mom's sister than her. She was actually around when you were growing up. She thought of her babies as miracles and cried during her miscarriages. You were right to have a strong connection with her while you were growing up. Her friendship would prove to be more beneficial in your adult life as you struggle with IF. It was a relationship that was not fair for your Mom to ridicule she only did that because she was jealous. She probably wished she could have that relationship with you.
It is not your fault that she chose to pursue a career and relationship outside of one with your Father. Although she always said that she married young and had children right away because her mom was pressuring her into it - it was still her decision to do that. There are responsibilities that go along with those decisions. The grass may have been greener on the other side of the fence, but the grass on the side you left needed you to come back to water it.
It is true what that little old lady said in the grocery store that day in the small town you grew up in. We did turn out very well considering what we went through growing up.
Now it wasn't a horrible childhood. There were happy times and times where you were a very good older sister to your brothers and times when you were a great babysitter. That is why you will make a wonderful Mother.
You will take your children to the Zoo, walks around the lake, to the park to swing. They will sit in your lap and you will read them stories. You will show them so much love that they will never seek out parental love from anyone else.
You will be the mother that has hot chocolate chip cookies ready for them when they get home from school. You will be the one that drives them around to soccer practice and dance lessons. You will volunteer at their school and help out with bake sales. You children will never feel as though you are not apart of their lives.
Your children will someday stand up at their wedding and thank you and J. for being the best example for a marriage - they will hope to model their new marriage after yours.
You will be a Mother of beautiful children soon. It will be the hardest and most rewarding journey you ever do. It is what you were meant to do in life.
I do the best I can...
9 months ago