Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Yep! It is officially confirmed from this morning that I'm pregnant with Twins! Both are measuring the same size and both "flicker" heartbeats are strong! I'm so thankful that they are the same size and that one isn't growing faster than the other. They are measuring at 7 weeks which is what I am exactly today so that's great.
I'm coming down from my excitement a bit, but we are very excited. J. is super nervous - he wants to get the house done fast so we can move out of my Mom's house and of course he now thinks the house isn't big enough. He will calm down.
It is a very happy day!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Of puking and today I finally felt better! I actually have (almost) made it through the whole day without puking and that is a good milestone. You know how you know you are feeling like crap when you are sick but you really don't know how sick you were feeling until you feel better again. That is how I felt today. I was so thankful this morning that I was able to get out of bed and not go running to the bathroom.
I even went to a movie this afternoon with a friend. We saw Julie & Julia. It was a sweet movie. I really loved the couple of points in the movie where they slightly touched on her inability to have children. It was very tactful and touching. When she found out that her sister was pregnant and she said through her tears that she was happy for her I knew exactly how she was feeling. Devastated that it wasn't her, but really, truly happy for her sister.
Tuesday is the big day. After these two days of pure sickness there HAS to be something good going on in my uterus! I feel a lot less nervous now and just SUPER anxious to hear the hearbeat!
I hope everyone's weekend went well. I'm exhausted now, I have my pug on my lap and we are going to fall asleep to the PGA. It is just down the road from me (I can see the blimp in the air above the tournament). Golf is a great sport to put you to sleep. Maybe I can condition the baby to fall asleep to golf! :-)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My cousin's girlfriend came over to take pictures of our pug - she is a photographer and I thought it would be nice to get some professional pictures of the fur-baby before the real-baby came and she got neglected. I haven't got those back from her yet, I will post when I do. I had her take a couple quick shots for a pregnancy announcement (I may send out in the mail or it will just be used for e-mail, facebook, blogging). She sent those to me first so I could do what I wanted with them sooner.
So just because I am not being patient (as J. is telling me) I called my OB office to see if they would do the u/s next week. They said "no problem"!!! So I scheduled it for Tuesday morning at 7:45. I will be exactly 7 weeks on that day so we should be able to hear heart beat(s) and count baby(ies) no problem.
I will send the results over to the RE office and they will have to "officially" release me before I can start being seen at the OB office. I know this is not going to make the RE the happiest, but really I think I should be able to do what I want with this somewhat. This entire process has been out of our control for so long that I just need to feel like I can control something. I made a deal with J. that if the RE office calls on Monday and says they can get me in on Tuesday or Wednesday I will go there and cancel the OB u/s. If not I'm going to the OB's office for the u/s on Tuesday and I will deal with the RE's office after that.
So only one more week until I can have peace of mind that there is a healthy heartbeat and count how many there are!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I am feeling nervous about this pregnancy. I know it is because there has been/will be such a long wait between my last Beta and my first ultrasound. I just feel like there should be some more information coming my way about this pregnancy. It's like - "great, we got you pregnany, your numbers look great, so let's hope nothing happens in the next 3 weeks because we aren't going to check on you again until then."
I know that even if something has happened there is nothing they can do about it, but it still makes me really nervous.
I wish I was having more pregnancy symptoms than just being tired. I feel like I could be blaming my tiredness on something other than pregnancy so it would be nice to have another symptom.
I guess if I had to come up with two other pregnancy symptoms they would be an adversion to pork - thus the pig picture - and a bloated tummy. I may have just packed on a little bit of wait during this "stay rested" summer/IVF cycle, but feel like my stomach looks like the pig's!
My father-in-law has been in town all this weekend working on electrical at the new house. I'm at my Mom's right now and no one is here but me and the dog. It is very peaceful. Time for a nap!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I know it's been awhile since I've had a post. I haven't had much to report on since my second Beta. I'm not patiently waiting for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks which will happen in 2 weeks!
We are moving along with our new house renovations. After our builder was on vacation last week and nothing got done he has had his crew in working away this week.
My only pregnancy symptom right now is extreme tiredness. It could be all the running around that I have been doing for the house, because I'm not sure if it's too early for pregnancy symptoms. But, I really need to take a nap almost every afternoon. Which is working out okay while I'm on summer vacation for the next couple of week, but it will be interesting once school starts.
Hope all is well with everyone else. Life seems to be going really well for us right now!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I think that is a great number! The doc said that it was a "solid" good number. I go back on Thursday for the repeat Beta HCG and then we will schedule an ultrasound after that to hear the heartbeat(s) and count how many babies implanted (we transfered 2 embryos).
I will update the Beta on Thursday again!
I am VERY excited!
Monday, July 27, 2009
I actually had a lot of will power this cycle. IVF put me into a different mind set about testing. I was super nervous for these results. But after much contemplation I decided that I wanted to learn the results on my terms and I wanted to be able to share them with J. in my own way not after a phone call.
So I took the HPT and there is definitely TWO LINES there! I think I'm still in disbelief and still nervous for my first Beta results tomorrow. But, I'm less nervous that I now know that I have a BFP and we will deal with the numbers tomorrow!
Again we are staying at my Mom's house during our home renovations so I am going to tell her and J. tonight at the same time. I had got my Mom a book called "Grandma's Summer" awhile ago and I have been saving it - it is a book about a grandma that takes her grandson to an old cabin for the summer. My Mom has an old cabin up north so I thought it was a cute book. I got J. the "Your Pregnancy: for the father-to-be". I have them wrapped up and will give them to both of them to open after dinner!
I will update my Beta numbers tomorrow!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
You may call us insane, crazy, out of our minds, etc. but we bought a new house that needs a lot of updating and it is all happening during our first IVF cycle! As J. always says "We tend to just do everything at once!" So far it has all gone well. We are staying at my Mom's house while we are doing the renovations at the new house so I'm not on bedrest while walls are literally coming down around me.
During the first, almost 5 years, of our marriage we made a vow that we were going to travel like crazy so that once we have kids we won't regret anything. We have had so much fun traveling in these 5 years. Many of the trips centered around either running or baseball games. It is fun to have an extra purpose for going on vacation. We live in MN so this is a picture from Spring Training down in Florida this last April.
Don't get me wrong, we love to go on trip that all we do it sit on our butts and get a tan. This is a picture from my "birthday vacation" this February in Jamaica. We stayed at a Sandals resort for the first time and it was wonderful! They really spoil you there!
Yes, I turned 30 this year. I had way harder of a time turning 29. We were over a year into TTC and it was hard to think that I could possibly be over 30 before I even conceived my first child. 30 was a lot easier - I think I used up all my freaking out in my 29th year of life. So I took full advantage of this milestone birthday and had J. take me on a long weekend to Jamaica.
One of my most favorite hobbies is scrapbooking. I have about 6 books filled with memories of our wedding, parties and vacations. I have the most perfect scrapbook and coordinating paper all picked out for our future first child's baby book.
I am a teacher so that is another reason for "doing everything at once". I have the time to do it during June, July and August. I could not even imagine being able to get to the insane amount of appointments I had to this summer for the IVF cycle. Plus I think my students would not have liked me the best on all the hormones (at least the pregnancy ones will have a visible reason for them). I taught 3rd grade at the best elementary school last year. Because of budget reasons I am getting moved to a different elementary school (in the same district) and will be teaching a different grade - 4th. I am much more a primary teacher so I'm scared for the 4th graders. I'm already having nightmares about them. It will be fine, I'm sure.
A group of couples that we hang out with on a regular basis decided to from a wine club. We rotate houses for hosting and get together to taste different wines. It is a lot of fun and we have had tried some really good wines and some horrible ones that went straight down the kitchen sink. We took a trip to Napa and Sonoma Counties a couple summers ago. This has become J. and my favorite wine - Sequoia Grove - it is a boutique winery in Napa County. We belong to their wine club and look forward to their shipments of wine right to our front door every few months.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Here is the first picture of our babies! We transfered these two beautiful embryos this morning at 11:00 and I have been laying flat for as long as I can since then.
Here is the ultrasound pics that they took during the transfer. The doc said that it couldn't have gone any more perfect!
My Pug is loving that I'm on bedrest. She has found the spot she is going to spend the next 48 hours - right on my lap!
I'm going to the clinic in about 2 hours! I'm so flippin' excited!! This morning is an absolutely beautiful morning in Minnesota. The rest of the Fam is out on the deck reading the paper - I will go out there after my PIO shot.
My puppy was up at 7:45 this morning and just had to go upstairs because she heard my Mom (we are staying at my Mom's house through our house renovations) and now she is sleeping in the sun. Typical!
Friday, July 17, 2009
I got the call yesterday and was really excited to hear that 11 out of the 15 fertilized and divided! I wish they would call me again today and I didn't have to wait until tomorrow.
We closed on our house yesterday and all went well. My Mom and I are going to go over to the new house today to pull wallpaper down and get some ideas for painting. I am really excited to get a fresh coat on. I think that the fresh coat of paint is meaning more to me than just a different color on the walls, it is a symbol of us moving on with our lives with or without a child. The fact that we could go through this process of buying a house that needs major renovations while going through IVF shows that there are other things that we value in our marriage than being parents. Don't get me wrong, we will be more than estatic if we find out we are pregnant, but hopefully if that isn't the case we have set ourselves up for the next stage in our lives in this new home.
I will get another call tomorrow to give me an update on the embies and give me the scheduled time for the transfer on Sunday.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
We close on the sale of our house and the purchase of the new house today! Everything should go smooth with that! The first house J. and I bought together is now empty and will have a single attorney living in it.
We won't even move into our new house. We moved into my Mom's house for a while and put most of our stuff in storage. We are doing major renovations on the new place.
BUT, the BIG news is that I get the call from the RE's office today about how the embies are doing!!! I am SUPER excited and nervous. I really hope they are doing well and growing strong!
I will try to update after the phone call. I am really hoping that it comes earlier rather than later!
Monday, July 13, 2009
we close on Thursday) I got a call from the clinic. They decided that
it was best that I did the HCG last night and we will do the retrieval
on Tuesday! I am so excited. They are also scheduling the transfer for
Sunday, which would be 5 days. She said they would probably call me on
Thursday to let me know how the embryos are doing!
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!
I am posting a random pic of my dog I took last night. She is such a sweetheart - our first baby!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I took a picture of my stim set up in my kitchen yesterday because I thought it was going to be my last day, it wasn't but I thought I would post it anyway.
I will update later when I find out what the plan is.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
check my ovaries and estrogen levels. My ovaries really "perked up" as
the nurse said. I have a ton (like 8) of follicles that are measuring
10 or above. I have to go back in tomorrow, but she thinks I will be
doing the HCG (triggering ovulation) on Saturday night with the
retrieval on Monday. I'm not sure how long they have to sit in the
petri - I think 3 or 4 days (Other IVFer's do you know?). So I think
my transfer will be maybe Thursday or Friday!!
I am so sick of the injections! I'm up to 3 a day now. My stomach
looks like a pin coushin. So the thought of being able to be done with
them tomorrow is very exciting! I know progesterone then starts and I have to deal with those injections, but I'm ready to move forward.
I will update tomorrow if I have more news!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The world of FB would never be the same and J. would kill me that "the world" would know all that. It is times like these that I had that infertility has such a stigma attached to it and that it has to be such a private struggle that we have to go through.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I can't sleep! I toss and turn all night - back and forth between being hot and then cold. When I do sleep I am having the most vivid dreams. I get that I have a lot on my mind with IVF and moving, but it is crazy how vivid they are. They all seem to center around voice mail messages on my phone too.
I'm a little nervous what might end up happening when I add more drugs into the mix!
Friday, June 26, 2009
I'm so sorry for my blog friend Misty who found out yesterday that her baby conceived through IVF didn't have a heartbeat at her ultrasound. She is really sad, rightly so. Visit her blog and send her good thoughts if you have a chance.
I go back into the doctor on Tuesday which will be Day 10 of the Lupron. ICLWers - can anyone remind me why I have this appointment? I think it is to make sure my ovaries are getting supressed like they are supposed to be.
I'm try hard to enjoy the start of my Summer vacation from teaching. We are moving on the 16th in with my Mom and her husband while our new house is under renovation. But, my headaches make it hard for me to get off the couch and I'm feel not in the best shape. I should be out on long walks everyday, but it's so stinkin' hot! I guess it is better than 20 below zero! We could be facing that in too many short months.
Monday, June 22, 2009
He had only had one other SA and all was clear with that test. But it was like 2 years ago. This frustrates me because why didn't my previous clinic think to check his semen again after we weren't getting pregnant for a while. Ugh!
So for the IVF they will inject his sperm into my eggs rather then just let them do it on their own. It doesn't change anything other than the fact that we will owe them another $900 +.
Maybe the insurance coverage on my meds was the universe balancing things out for this added expense.
It is okay that you feel as though you were cheated out of a Mother. It was not fair of her to pass you and your brothers off on your Grandmother as much as she did. Although you developed a strong faith base and a love for cooking you could have gotten that from her regardless. She would have always been your Grandma.
What you needed from your Mother was an appropriate "birds and bees" talk. It wasn't your fault that your cousin Gina got pregnant at 16. You had nothing to do with that and you didn't deserve the shouting "birds and bees" talk from you after she hung up the phone. You deserved a compassionate talk on your bed one night with your Mom talking about your first period, pads, tampons, shaving, boys, etc.
It is okay that you felt more comfortable talking with your Mom's sister than her. She was actually around when you were growing up. She thought of her babies as miracles and cried during her miscarriages. You were right to have a strong connection with her while you were growing up. Her friendship would prove to be more beneficial in your adult life as you struggle with IF. It was a relationship that was not fair for your Mom to ridicule she only did that because she was jealous. She probably wished she could have that relationship with you.
It is not your fault that she chose to pursue a career and relationship outside of one with your Father. Although she always said that she married young and had children right away because her mom was pressuring her into it - it was still her decision to do that. There are responsibilities that go along with those decisions. The grass may have been greener on the other side of the fence, but the grass on the side you left needed you to come back to water it.
It is true what that little old lady said in the grocery store that day in the small town you grew up in. We did turn out very well considering what we went through growing up.
Now it wasn't a horrible childhood. There were happy times and times where you were a very good older sister to your brothers and times when you were a great babysitter. That is why you will make a wonderful Mother.
You will take your children to the Zoo, walks around the lake, to the park to swing. They will sit in your lap and you will read them stories. You will show them so much love that they will never seek out parental love from anyone else.
You will be the mother that has hot chocolate chip cookies ready for them when they get home from school. You will be the one that drives them around to soccer practice and dance lessons. You will volunteer at their school and help out with bake sales. You children will never feel as though you are not apart of their lives.
Your children will someday stand up at their wedding and thank you and J. for being the best example for a marriage - they will hope to model their new marriage after yours.
You will be a Mother of beautiful children soon. It will be the hardest and most rewarding journey you ever do. It is what you were meant to do in life.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
This made me feel so good! This entire process obviously costs a TON of money and it is nice to know that my insurance company isn't going to completely screw me!
My Mom and her Husband were more than willing to give us the loan for the next month until we close on our house. When we went to our RN consultation on Thursday and got to the payment park J. asked if there was any chance we could pay the balance any later than that day. She said the latest she could take payment was the 30th. We called our credit card company and if we make a purchase on the 30th it won't be due until August 15th - that is perfect for us. We will have closed on both houses and have the money available to pay off the credit card. This made J. feel a lot better. He really didn't like asking my parents for money. I don't blame him, he really prides himself on doing well on his own all these years.
Things seem to be looking up in the baby making department.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
We had an interesting night last night. . .
We decided about a month ago to put our house on the market, well it sold it 8 days. Which meant that we needed to find a house. We did in a location that we really like, but it needs a bunch of work. Our offer on this house was accepted and if the inspection goes well on Thursday then it will be ours. So last night we went to my Mom's with two important questions to ask her and her husband:
No. 1 - Can we stay with you after we close on our house on July 16th while we do renovations on it?
No. 2 - Since we are closing on a house in less than a month taking $10,000 out of our savings for IVF really wouldn't be the best timing. So could we borrow $10,000 from you for a month until we close on our house? And Oh, by the way we need that $10,000 by Thursday.
I knew the second question would be a really hard one to ask and hard to receive, but I thought for sure they would be more than okay with us living with them while we did our renovations. They weren't exactly opening their door to us when we asked question number 1, so I was really nervous to ask question number 2. But, we really didn't have a choice - we need to do the cycle now because I'm on summer vacation. Yes it probably wasn't the best choice for us to buy a house at this time, but as my Mom always says "it is what it is"!
So we'll see. They said it was fine that we moved in with them. We will make it as temporary as possible. They are going to get back to us on the borrowing of money. I am really trying not to stress out about these situations so that this IVF journey goes well, so it would be nice if we heard from them soon.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
- Fertility Yoga Class is FANTASTIC! The instructor is great and all the other ladies in my class are great. It is like group therapy, education, and yoga all in one. I am so glad I have done it. This last week J. came with because a nutritionist came to talk with us. It was good to have J. see who else was going through the same thing as us. It was also hard to hear about what we "shouldn't" be eating. More on that later.
- We met with the RE on Monday. We are on the path of IVF. We are going to try one more IUI this month. The plan would be that if it doesn't work we will take June to get over the cysts (that I get every month after IUI) and we will do IVF in July. There is a lot of pressure for this IUI cycle to work because IVF is really expensive. I am hoping the added pressure will scare us into getting pregnant and not the opposite.
- I went to see my family practice doctor because of the depression and anxiety I was feeling. She prescribed a low dose anti-depressant. I'm not sure if it is a placibo effect, but I am feeling a little more "numb" lately. My terrible students are not bugging me as much and I seem to be more okay with pregnant people around me. This could be all a mental thing - thinking the meds are really helping me - but I will take what I can get!
- When I was at the family practice doc she asked if I had ever had my thyroid checked. If I did I couldn't remember. So she checked it. Apparently I have hypo-thyroidism - who knew!?!?! So I'm on meds for that now too. It could have an effect on our fertility, but probably more on my moods. Maybe it will help me loose those 5lbs I have been wanting to loose.
Okay so that was longer than a short update. . .
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Part of the class description:
"Nutritional Weight and Wellness, a healthy home healthy surroundings segment, a Maya abdominal massage therapist, an acupuncturist, a family therapist, and we'll have lots of time for yoga and meditation as well."
J. asked me when I told him about the class if it was a class for people struggling to get pregnant. I am assuming that is the case since it is called fertility yoga. I guess it could be for people who aren't necessarily struggling to get pregnant but rather just beginning to TTC. I guess I will find out tonight. As long as I'm not there with a bunch of women with growing bellies I will be fine.
The rain just set in here. Good day to be lazy.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Today was our annual baby/wedding shower at school. We honor and celebrate everyone in the school on one day. Last year my grade level had to plan the event - Ugh! This year I was happy I didn't have to be a part of it. I put my donation into the envelope for the gifts when they came around. I used the quiet time in my classroom to do some planning. About a half hour into the party one of my dear co-workers who knows what we have been going through brought me a cup of punch and a piece of cake. I apologized for not attending and she said, "don't think a second thought about it. I know it must be hard on you that is why I brought the cake to you." She is the BEST!!!! The cake was really good too!
I went on a run after school today. The cysts are sore to run with so it was more of a run/walk. But, I made it around the lake we live by - about 3 miles round trip from our house. I need to do that more. I feel great and I bet I will sleep good tonight - the red wine I'm sipping with help that too! :-)
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
So many things running through my mind right now I'm just going to list them:
That's about it. . .for today!
Monday, April 13, 2009
It became official today that I will not be teaching at the same elementary school that I have taught at for the last 3 years. I am going to be very sad to leave this school as I love almost every part of it. I don't know what school I will be going to or what grade I will be teaching, but I do know I will have a job. That is a lot more than what other people have in their careers right now so I am trying to look on the bright side of things. It is just hard to have had the e-mail sent out to the entire school today. It made it more official to see it in print. It is also hard to deal with the unknown. There are so many unknowns circling around me right now.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I am CD1 of my 3rd cycle since our last IUI attempt. I took the last two off to get physical over the last attempt (get rid of the cysts) and emotionally ready to do this again. I could not bring myself to take the BCP to get rid of the cysts so I was just hoping that time would do that.
I went in this morning for my baseline ultrasound and all looks good! Whew! I think it would have been hard to hear that I should have gone on the pill because the cysts were still there.
We will do the same as the last 3 IUI attempts. Gonal-f injections to stimulate my follicles, Ovidrel to trigger ovulation and then the IUI. We have the IUI scheduled for April 6th. That was the exact day I ran the Paris Marathon last April with my mom so I am hoping that will be a good luck day for me.
We leave for Florida tomorrow so I will be traveling with my injections, but I had lots of chats with the pharmacist, doctor’s office, and searched through the TSA website to make sure I have all the notes, Rx’s, and things I need to get through security. I should be good to go. I better not have to leave the Rx at the airport because it was $1000!!!!
Send me all the luck, wishes, prayers, etc. that you possibly can for a December/January baby in my future!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I hope to do better with this comment leaving this month than last. I love reading all the messages and I need to do a better job at returning the favor. Quick information about me:
- I have married to a wonderful man since September 2004.
- We have been TTC since April of 2007 (coming up on 24 months!)
- We have done the CBEFM, clomid, Gonal-f with IUI
- I had an ectopic pregnancy in September
- We made our 3rd IUI attempt in January and it failed
- We were on a bit of a medical and emotional break the last two months
- I am hoping to go in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday to start the process of IUI again
So for some fun stuff:
- We have traveled a ton and love it! We leave for Florida on Saturday for a week vacation!
- I am a 3rd grade teacher so I NEED this week vacation!
- I ran the Paris marathon last April with my Mom!
Thank you for coming to read about my journey and THANK YOU for all your support!
Monday, March 23, 2009
“We didn't get much of a chance to talk at the party, but I have been thinking of you lots and hope things are going well for you and that you've been feeling good too.
(How I wanted to respond, however I just deleted it with not response instead)
I was fine with us not getting much time to talk at our party, because you were too hard to look at in your ever growing belly filled with twins. As if your belly wasn’t calling enough attention, you also wore a bright green shirt with the words “A wee bit of Irish in me” with a giant arrow pointing at your belly printed on it.
And while you are asking, things are not going well for me and I am not feeling good. You tell me that you know what we are going through but yet you decline to share any of your journey with us. You tell me that things will work out for us they way they did for you, but I have know idea what things happened to be able to work out for you.
I respect the fact that you want to focus ahead on the positive things happening in your life with the upcoming birth of your twins, but you have to remember that we are back here still in the sadness you say you once experienced but refuse to tell me about.
So sorry that I didn’t want to sit on the couch with you all night at the party at our house and hear about your babies and feel them kick.
I was much more content to be celebrating St. Patrick’s day at our bar drinking Guinness.
Aren’t you glad you ask?
(Any suggestions ICLWers have on how you handle these e-mails from friends I would love them, obviously this response e-mail would not be appropriate)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
This was an initial intake meeting. I told her about our journey so far, all those things on my list from my previous post and how I can’t think about another medicated cycle right now in the mental state that I am in.
She had a few recommendations for us. She thinks we should go back to the RE for another second opinion. We saw him this summer but that was prior to the miscarriage this fall and it was 9 months ago that we saw him. When we did he said that he wouldn’t be doing anything differently than my current clinic and he is more expensive so we stayed where we were at. She thinks it would be worth the second opinion again. At least to have it on his schedule since it is quite awhile to be able to get into see him.
She also thought it would be good to think about the IVF route. I haven’t even thought about this. We have 5 more IUI cycles that insurance will pay for so I thought we would exhaust those before we even talk about IVF, but she thinks that it would help my emotional health to just jump to that. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but it isn’t a cheap process or one that is without its own emotional health issues.
I talked with J. about this when I got home and after him being mad about me not telling him about the appointment (seriously!) he said that we should try 2 more IUI attempts and then seriously think about going that route. I do like that idea.
At the end of the appointment she said this: “there are studies that show the depression infertility patients feel is comparable to that of cancer patients. The difference is that infertility patients suffer their depression mostly alone, where cancer patients are rallied around by everyone.”
I realize that I am not going to die from my “illness” the way a cancer patient could die from theirs, but some days I wish that people were dropping meals by my door, fundraising for my treatment, sitting with me at appointments, etc. J. has been a great person to help with all those things, but it isn’t fair he has to be the only one to do it.
So I am hoping that this counselor can help ease some of his burden.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
- Last Sunday evening I received the news from my aunt ther her neice (her husband's neice) was pregnant again after having twins out of wed-lock 6 months ago.
- A VERY good friend of mine (K.)ask me about our fertility journey for the first time in a while and when I told her that it wasn't fair for me to talk with her about my sadness because she was experiencing the happiness of a baby soon she told me that as friends we need to experience sadness and happiness together. A day later she sent me a text message that she was in the hospital having her first baby.
- I called another friend of mine (C.) on Saturday morning to see if it would be okay that I call K. at the hospital to hear the news of her baby. I wasn't sure if I should bug them and I was nervous that since we hadn't heard anything that something might not be okay. C. was also in the hospital and had given birth to her 2nd baby.
- Two babies born in the same day!
- Dinner at my Mom's tonight. They were in Honduras for a Doctor's without Borders type mission. She said she was happy to see me becuase sh kept thinking about me when she was seeing mother's and their daughters who were pregnant at 15 years old or younger and that it is okay that I have waited until 30 to have a baby.
- I hate that I am on Facebook because yet another close friend of mine is pregnant with twins and just posted as much on her facebook page saying that she is having both a boy and a girl. She went through some sort of infertility because she recommended her doctor (who we went to for a 2nd opinion so I know his practice), but she refuses to say anything more to me than "I know what you are going through and everything will work out someday for you."
- AND to top it all off, J. just doesn't get why I am sad for all of this baby birthing and making. . .he just keeps telling me we need to have more sex. . .
- . . .I'm not in the mood. . .
Saturday, February 28, 2009
J. said this morning that he really was hoping we would have gotten pregnant on our own this month. He knows that we have to do the IUI thing, but he doesn't want to think that a tube would get me pregnant. It is a male ego thing that he can't let go of. I think he was hoping that we could have just gotten pregnant this month and then his man-hood would be safe.
That's about all for now. I might call the doctor's office on Monday to get a baseline done just to see if the cysts are still there, but I still think I am going to wait another month or so before attempting IUI again. It is just so emotionally exhausting and I have the rest of the school year to get through.
Monday, February 23, 2009
There are days that the image of that not happening is too much to bear and I want to be as far away from 30 as possible.
Luckily the night before my birthday I am not having one of those days. I have some how convinced myself that I am happy that I am not pregnant right now. I think I accomplished that by planning a sushi making class for me and 14 of my friends and if I was pregnant I wouldn't be able to eat all that raw fish. Also, having a few cocktails to get through my 30th will help as well.
I am just hoping that the day I am 30 years and 1 day that I am feeling the same way!
But, until then. . .
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I am feeling better. It is amazing. I think I just forced myself to get out of the funk I was in after the failed IUI. I started looking to the future more and setting goals that are crushed 2 weeks at a time. I have signed up for a half marathon at the end of May for many different reasons:
#1 - to have something else on my calendar other than cycle charting.
#2 - to get back into shape. IF treatment really has gotten me out of shape. A lot of it is self-inflicted, but between being over stimulated from the drugs and hearing the threat of flipping ovaries to massive cysts because of the drugs, etc., etc., I have not been in the greatest condition to work out.
#3 - exercise really is a natural anti-depressant and I can use all of that I can get!
So not that I am patting myself on the back or anything, but since I am feeling better I scheduled a dinner with two of my friends who are both within 3 weeks of giving birth. I sat at the dinner tonight, talked about my vacation, books we were reading and asked questions about their pregnancies. Not a lot, but enough to show I do really care about them and their pregnancies.
I was glad I got that all out of my system because I am not sure when I will be able to do that again. However, the next time I see them they will probably be both nursing newborns.
One day at a time. . .
No we're no pregnant!
When I was in my 2ww from the last IUI attempt I had thoughts of announcing to everyone by having them look through pictures of our vacation and coming upon this one.
We wrote it in the sand anyway. I am pretty sure I ovulated this weekend. I am also pretty sure the cysts still exist because it was quite a painful ovulation. However we did "attempt" to make a baby on our own this weekend while we were in Jamaica. It was a relaxing weekend with nothing to do but lay in the sun and sip pina coladas. So no one can accuse me of not being "relaxed."
So as we all know that our plans change and get pushed back through this entire IF process I have made a new plan. On the chance that we did get pregnant this weekend I thought it would be fun to still announce it this way. After this month I may end up deleting those pictures as our plans change again, but for now it will stay tucked away on my computer.
p.s. Jamaica was great! We were only in the sun for 3 days and actually one of them was pretty cloudy, but it was just what my internal psychologist ordered for me as therapy!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I programed my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor tonight. I have not done that for probably 9 months. And as I write this I am thinking I shouldn't have done it tonight because then my testing window is going to be off. Crap!
Oh well, I will try it out. I think I just want to TTC the "old fashion" way for a little bit. J. and I need some reconnection and this month might be the right month for that.
Whether it is a Hallmark holiday or not I do feel like February is the month of love!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
- Bringing champagne to the cabin this weekend to toast our recent good news with our friends.
- Writing "we're pregnant" in the sand in Jamaica when we are there in two weeks, hand a stack of vacation pictures to friends and family to have them happen upon that picture to tell them the news.
- Not starting the school year next year because I would be having a baby soon after the start of the school year.
- Celebrating my 30th birthday this month knowing that I would have my first child when I am 30.
But, none of that is happening now and with the cysts I developed from the drugs we can't try again until probably March.
I am just very sad, very angry, and I can't understand why this time didn't work. I would like to believe everyone that tries to make me feel better with "it will happen when it is the right time." I can't understand right now why now isn't "the right time". I have done everything right in my life. I graduated high school, college, graduate school. I got married, we have a nice house with a nice fenced in yard. We got the dog first to "practice" being responsible for something other than ourselves. We have traveled the world. We have good jobs, no other debt besides our house and my education. Argh! How can NOW not be the RIGHT TIME!
At times like these I can't possibly convince myself that this is all happening for a reason and all will be revealed when the time is right. All I can do is be angry and sad.
Friday, January 30, 2009
When I originally heard about this story I thought "Wow, a couple goes in for treatment and they end up with 8 babies. She must have had an IUI done because there is no way a doctor would implant 8 embryos with IVF. They must be so happy to finally have the babies they have always wanted, but scared about having to have 8 all at once."
But, this morning I am watching the news to find out that she had 6 other kids at home already, she is "young" (not sure what that means), they don't know who the dad is, AND she is living with her parents.
I read this article this morning and read a statement from her dad, "we have a big house. . .the media won't find out where that big house is at"
This is all very weird! Also very hard to read the morning after my sad news day.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I woke up to bleeding this morning and a lot of cramping. I POAS and it was negative. I wasn't scheduled for my HCG until tomorrow morning, but I couldn't take it any longer. So I just showed up at the doctor's office and asked if I could ask the IF nurse if she would test me early. I could barely get my name out through my tears to the receptionist, but she was so considerate. She just wrote my name down, handed me a kleenex and told me she would let me know as soon as she got in. Luckily she didn't have an appointment until 8:30 so she was able to see me no problem. She drew my blood and did my baseline ultrasound.
I have a "large" cyst on both ovaries and little ones all around.
She called around 11:45 with the HCG results. Negative.
So I am suppose to start the BCP for the cysts and stop the progesterone. Part of me wants to not go on the pill and just try on our own for a month or so. I know the cysts will go away faster with the bcp, but it is really hard for me to do that right now.
This really SUCKS!!!
"It never gets easier" that is what I said to J. tonight. It doesn't matter how many times we go through months like this, it never gets easier.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thank you for the answers to the HCG numbers questions I had. They all make a lot of sense and I am glad Monday is down, only 3 more to get through until the BIG TEST!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Can you help me answer this question?
I go on Friday for my quantative HCG test. IUI was on 1/17. I went in this last friday for a progesterone test and I was told that "my number was awesome" I guess it was 20 and anything over 15 is "awesome".
So my question is this:
On Friday will I possibly be able to know FOR SURE that I am pregnant when they do the HCG test? My doc told me that there is "a chance" that I will have to get re-tested on Monday to see if my numbers doubled. But is there a chance that we will have a really good number on Friday and just have to get tested on Monday again to be on the safe side?
What would a really good number be?
In October when I started bleeding from the m/c my highest number was 167 and I was 3 weeks post IUI. They had never tested my HCG prior to that so I have nothing to compare it to.
For the record. . .I think I will probably be testing every day this week just for fun. I am not going to tell J., but I am going crazy and I don't think I can wait. :-)
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sometimes out of no where I feel these kicks in the stomach.
I am off to in-law land to celebrate J.'s mom's 60th birthday. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
It is this renewed hope that I have been clinging onto in this new year. It is my hope that the past few years of hardship will be turned around in the coming years, mine included.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
They were nervous that I was over-stimulated and told me to drink lots of fluids and limit my salt intake. I think I will be just fine.
I am going in on Friday for a progesterone test and then on the 30th for a quantitative HCG test. I promised J. that I would spend all next week testing, but I think I probably will. How can I not?!? There is a chance that I might get a BFP prior to the HCG test on Friday.
I am trying really hard not to freak out about this 2ww, but I can't help it.
I went in for my post-op from the laparoscopy today and my doctor reiterated that I have a had a very nice looking cycle and that she has good feelings about this. I have good feelings to, I will just feel a WHOLE lot better on the 30th.
She did point out that depending upon the first HCG number, I may have to come back on Monday to make sure that the numbers doubled. I am hoping that the results are so great that there is no doubt that things are on the right track.
So I got to thinking how nice it would be to create an infertility registry and what I would put on it:
Bottle of red wine to help numb the pain (have 0, need 6)
Box of Kleenex with lotion to dry the tears of loss/failure (have 0, need 4)
Whole caffeinated coffee beans to help me get up every morning and try to function (have 0, need 5 lbs.)
Elastic waist pants for those weeks of bloating due to injections and progesterone (have 0, need 2)
Margarita mix (tequila included) for the nights when waking up the next morning to red wine stains on my teeth would prompt my friends to stage an intervention (have 0, need 3)
Case of Guinness beer for husband to drink at any free moment away from consoling hysterical wife (have 0, need 4)
Gift cards accepted to pharmacy for infertility drugs (suggested dollar amount $1000)
Now that's a registry I could handle taking a look at!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
There are so many things I want to say, but I am going to quickly just give an update. I went in for an ultrasound and blood work this morning. My estrodial (sp?) test was 587 - I have no idea what that means, but I think it is high. I had (again I can't remember) 6-7 follicles on my right ovary and 4-5 on my left. Apparently they are worried I have too many. So I have to go back in tomorrow for a repeat ultrasound and blood work. They want to see how many end up turning "mature". They are mentioning "selective reduction" if too many would fertilize and to have that conversation with J. to make sure we have some sort of a thought in our head about what we would want to do.
Seriously!!! Just get me pregnant with as many babies as you can. . .keep the pregnancy longer than 6 weeks and we will deal with it then. I am not abandoning this cycle because they are worried about too many follicles!
I just want to get pregnant. . .we can figure it out later.
I know I will think more clearly tomorrow when I am less tired and less cold (it is -25 wind chill here right now).
I am going to bed now.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I was talking with a fellow IF friend the other night out at dinner about how I was excited about this cycle. She asked me how I could be so excited. She recently found out that their 2nd successful IVF implantation attempt has ended in a miscarriage after 6 weeks. I can't even imagine how she is feeling, but I told her that I understand a bit. I was so, so depressed this fall after our miscarriage and it really has taken until now to feel even remotely ready to try this roller coaster again. She is at that point right now, she wants nothing to do with the process that would be cause her the pain she is feeling now.
She and her hubby on are a much deserved vacation in Hawaii right now. It can't take the pain away, but it might help the sadness a bit. Minnesota is hard enough to live in during the winter, but even harder when you are sad about something.
But, I do feel excited about this cycle. J. keeps looking and me and laughing about how happy I am. I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday and all was clear. I started the Gonal-f injections on Friday night and will do those until Wednesday morning when I go in for another ultrasound. I had contacted an acupuncturist after the last IUI when we were told it didn't work. I was going to start seeing her during the next attempt. (Read "our journey" to see what happened then) I called her again this last week to see what she would have planned for me this time. She is a mother of triplets, conceived from an IUI. She knows exactly what we have gone through. She was full of cautious optimism (I think this is the best kind - giving me hope, but not the fake kind - the realistic kind) and a plan that I can live with. She kept telling me that she was sorry for what I went through this fall and how she wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It is amazing how comforting that feels from people who you know "get it".
So I will start acupuncture this coming Wednesday. We will know more after the ultrasound that morning and the blood work when we will do the IUI. Since my first two IUI cycles were identical I am guessing the IUI will be on either Friday or Saturday.
At dinner on Saturday night I told J. that I wasn't scared about this cycle not working, I was scared that it would work and then end in a miscarriage. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle that again. They say you are given only as much as you can handle. . .I really hope that whoever makes those decisions doesn't think I can handle it again either!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
While reading a story to my students to get them thinking about writing a Memoir (yes, 3rd graders can write memoirs) I found myself getting choked up.
The story I was reading is Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox. It is about a little boy who lives next to a "old people home" and his very best friend there is Miss Nancy Alison Delacourt Cooper (because she has four names like him). She has lost her memory and Wilfred Gordon wants to help her get it back. So he asks the other "old people" what a memory is and these are the answers he gets:
Wilfred Gordon went to his house and got items that demonstrated all those different descriptions and brought them to Miss Nancy to help her find her memory.
So I got to thinking about those descriptions and what items I would take from my life to get my memory back.
Something from long ago. . .
Something that makes you laugh. . .
Something warm. . .
Something that makes you cry. . .
Something as precious as gold. . .