Friday, January 30, 2009


Family: Octuplets' mother has 6 other children

When I originally heard about this story I thought "Wow, a couple goes in for treatment and they end up with 8 babies. She must have had an IUI done because there is no way a doctor would implant 8 embryos with IVF. They must be so happy to finally have the babies they have always wanted, but scared about having to have 8 all at once."

But, this morning I am watching the news to find out that she had 6 other kids at home already, she is "young" (not sure what that means), they don't know who the dad is, AND she is living with her parents.

I read this article this morning and read a statement from her dad, "we have a big house. . .the media won't find out where that big house is at"

This is all very weird! Also very hard to read the morning after my sad news day.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Blue Straw

Today was a really sad day so I decided on the blue straw for my margarita.

I woke up to bleeding this morning and a lot of cramping. I POAS and it was negative. I wasn't scheduled for my HCG until tomorrow morning, but I couldn't take it any longer. So I just showed up at the doctor's office and asked if I could ask the IF nurse if she would test me early. I could barely get my name out through my tears to the receptionist, but she was so considerate. She just wrote my name down, handed me a kleenex and told me she would let me know as soon as she got in. Luckily she didn't have an appointment until 8:30 so she was able to see me no problem. She drew my blood and did my baseline ultrasound.

I have a "large" cyst on both ovaries and little ones all around.

She called around 11:45 with the HCG results. Negative.

So I am suppose to start the BCP for the cysts and stop the progesterone. Part of me wants to not go on the pill and just try on our own for a month or so. I know the cysts will go away faster with the bcp, but it is really hard for me to do that right now.

This really SUCKS!!!

"It never gets easier" that is what I said to J. tonight. It doesn't matter how many times we go through months like this, it never gets easier.
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Monday, January 26, 2009

4 more tests to go. . .

I POAS this morning and it was negative. But, it is still really early! We are only 9 days post IUI. BUT, I bought 3 more tests today. That will get me through Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. If they all come up negative I am still holding out hope that urine tests don't work for me and that my HCG numbers are late bloomers!

Thank you for the answers to the HCG numbers questions I had. They all make a lot of sense and I am glad Monday is down, only 3 more to get through until the BIG TEST!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

ICLWer's - help please

Anyone know the answer to this question?

Can you help me answer this question?
I go on Friday for my quantative HCG test. IUI was on 1/17. I went in this last friday for a progesterone test and I was told that "my number was awesome" I guess it was 20 and anything over 15 is "awesome".

So my question is this:
On Friday will I possibly be able to know FOR SURE that I am pregnant when they do the HCG test? My doc told me that there is "a chance" that I will have to get re-tested on Monday to see if my numbers doubled. But is there a chance that we will have a really good number on Friday and just have to get tested on Monday again to be on the safe side?

What would a really good number be?

In October when I started bleeding from the m/c my highest number was 167 and I was 3 weeks post IUI. They had never tested my HCG prior to that so I have nothing to compare it to.

For the record. . .I think I will probably be testing every day this week just for fun. I am not going to tell J., but I am going crazy and I don't think I can wait. :-)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Kick in the stomach

It is always hard to hear when friends are pregnant. Out of my group of 5 close girlfriends 1 had a baby last Jan, 1 is due in March, and one just annouced she was pregnant. I sent an e-mail on a "good day" I was having to ask how her Dr. appointment whent hoping she would e-mail back right away and tell me short and sweet. Well, it took 5 days for her to e-mail me back and that came yesterday. I wasn't having a particularily bad day, but I wasn't prepared for what I was about to read as I was leaving school - she is having twins.

Sometimes out of no where I feel these kicks in the stomach.

I am off to in-law land to celebrate J.'s mom's 60th birthday. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Renewed Hope

No matter your political views yesterday was an amazing day. I was telling my third graders that any time a new President is sworn into office it is a great thing to witness. There has only been 44 so far in our young nation's history.

It is this renewed hope that I have been clinging onto in this new year. It is my hope that the past few years of hardship will be turned around in the coming years, mine included.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Anything to get pregnant!

In my quest to get pregnant I have tried acupuncture this cycle. I was referred to this wonderful doctor from a fellow IF friend of mine. She is a very understanding women. She had secondary IF and tried to get pregnant with their 2nd for 6 years. She ended up pregnant with quads (giving birth to 3 of them) after an IUI. She gives me such great hope. I am not sure if I truly believe in the holistic side of medicine, but her gentle way of relaxing me and making me feel like I am not alone can't hurt.
Another note I didn't mention before, but came up at my post-op visit on Monday from the laparoscopy in December. I had received a phone call from my doctor's office about 2 weeks after the surgery to see how I was. I missed the call and had to call the nurse back. This nurse was not one of my informed IF nurses, she was one of the OB nurses. When she picked up my phone call she asked me how I was feeling after having my baby. I was nice about it and said that I didn't have a baby that I had a laparoscopy because I have been unable to get pregnant. I had actually forgotten about it, but my doctor was so embarrassed and apologized over and over again at my appointment. It really wasn't that big of a deal to me, she caught me on a good day with that comment, but it was good to hear that my doctor was upset about it. Shows she cares.

Monday, January 19, 2009

I wish it was next Friday

I had my IUI on Saturday. I had 4 "good looking" follicles: sizes 17, 16, 16, and 15 and two follicles that were at 13 and I was told those had great potential.

They were nervous that I was over-stimulated and told me to drink lots of fluids and limit my salt intake. I think I will be just fine.

I am going in on Friday for a progesterone test and then on the 30th for a quantitative HCG test. I promised J. that I would spend all next week testing, but I think I probably will. How can I not?!? There is a chance that I might get a BFP prior to the HCG test on Friday.

I am trying really hard not to freak out about this 2ww, but I can't help it.

I went in for my post-op from the laparoscopy today and my doctor reiterated that I have a had a very nice looking cycle and that she has good feelings about this. I have good feelings to, I will just feel a WHOLE lot better on the 30th.

She did point out that depending upon the first HCG number, I may have to come back on Monday to make sure that the numbers doubled. I am hoping that the results are so great that there is no doubt that things are on the right track.

Infertility Registry

Last week I was shopping from a baby registry and really hated every moment of it. I know I was doing the "nice friend thing" but it was so hard to see all the nice things she has already gotten and what was need “needed” for her new baby and new life with her husband. I even noticed that her husband put some gifts for himself on the registry: a Vikings blanket and pillow. Well, maybe that was for the baby, but it wasn’t in the baby section.

So I got to thinking how nice it would be to create an infertility registry and what I would put on it:

Bottle of red wine to help numb the pain (have 0, need 6)

Box of Kleenex with lotion to dry the tears of loss/failure (have 0, need 4)

Whole caffeinated coffee beans to help me get up every morning and try to function (have 0, need 5 lbs.)

Elastic waist pants for those weeks of bloating due to injections and progesterone (have 0, need 2)

Margarita mix (tequila included) for the nights when waking up the next morning to red wine stains on my teeth would prompt my friends to stage an intervention (have 0, need 3)

Case of Guinness beer for husband to drink at any free moment away from consoling hysterical wife (have 0, need 4)

Gift cards accepted to pharmacy for infertility drugs (suggested dollar amount $1000)

Now that's a registry I could handle taking a look at!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Quick message

I am so tired this week. My students and these drugs are kicking my butt!
There are so many things I want to say, but I am going to quickly just give an update. I went in for an ultrasound and blood work this morning. My estrodial (sp?) test was 587 - I have no idea what that means, but I think it is high. I had (again I can't remember) 6-7 follicles on my right ovary and 4-5 on my left. Apparently they are worried I have too many. So I have to go back in tomorrow for a repeat ultrasound and blood work. They want to see how many end up turning "mature". They are mentioning "selective reduction" if too many would fertilize and to have that conversation with J. to make sure we have some sort of a thought in our head about what we would want to do.
Seriously!!! Just get me pregnant with as many babies as you can. . .keep the pregnancy longer than 6 weeks and we will deal with it then. I am not abandoning this cycle because they are worried about too many follicles!
I just want to get pregnant. . .we can figure it out later.
I know I will think more clearly tomorrow when I am less tired and less cold (it is -25 wind chill here right now).
I am going to bed now.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The fun begins

I was talking with a fellow IF friend the other night out at dinner about how I was excited about this cycle. She asked me how I could be so excited. She recently found out that their 2nd successful IVF implantation attempt has ended in a miscarriage after 6 weeks. I can't even imagine how she is feeling, but I told her that I understand a bit. I was so, so depressed this fall after our miscarriage and it really has taken until now to feel even remotely ready to try this roller coaster again. She is at that point right now, she wants nothing to do with the process that would be cause her the pain she is feeling now.
She and her hubby on are a much deserved vacation in Hawaii right now. It can't take the pain away, but it might help the sadness a bit. Minnesota is hard enough to live in during the winter, but even harder when you are sad about something.

But, I do feel excited about this cycle. J. keeps looking and me and laughing about how happy I am. I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday and all was clear. I started the Gonal-f injections on Friday night and will do those until Wednesday morning when I go in for another ultrasound. I had contacted an acupuncturist after the last IUI when we were told it didn't work. I was going to start seeing her during the next attempt. (Read "our journey" to see what happened then) I called her again this last week to see what she would have planned for me this time. She is a mother of triplets, conceived from an IUI. She knows exactly what we have gone through. She was full of cautious optimism (I think this is the best kind - giving me hope, but not the fake kind - the realistic kind) and a plan that I can live with. She kept telling me that she was sorry for what I went through this fall and how she wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It is amazing how comforting that feels from people who you know "get it".

So I will start acupuncture this coming Wednesday. We will know more after the ultrasound that morning and the blood work when we will do the IUI. Since my first two IUI cycles were identical I am guessing the IUI will be on either Friday or Saturday.

At dinner on Saturday night I told J. that I wasn't scared about this cycle not working, I was scared that it would work and then end in a miscarriage. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle that again. They say you are given only as much as you can handle. . .I really hope that whoever makes those decisions doesn't think I can handle it again either!
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Thursday, January 8, 2009

What is a memory?

While reading a story to my students to get them thinking about writing a Memoir (yes, 3rd graders can write memoirs) I found myself getting choked up.

The story I was reading is Wilfred Gordon McDonald Partridge by Mem Fox. It is about a little boy who lives next to a "old people home" and his very best friend there is Miss Nancy Alison Delacourt Cooper (because she has four names like him). She has lost her memory and Wilfred Gordon wants to help her get it back. So he asks the other "old people" what a memory is and these are the answers he gets:

Something from long ago
Something that makes you laugh
Something warm
Something that makes you cry
Something as precious as gold

Wilfred Gordon went to his house and got items that demonstrated all those different descriptions and brought them to Miss Nancy to help her find her memory.
Sniff, Sniff. . . read the book it is much better than my description.

So I got to thinking about those descriptions and what items I would take from my life to get my memory back.

Something from long ago. . .
A rolling pin that my Grandfather gave me for my wedding. It is one of those old wooden ones and it may seem chauvinistic, but it shows that even though I didn't think my Grandfather knew me that well he really did. I love to cook and bake and he knew that. It was one of the sweetest gifts I got for our wedding.

Something that makes you laugh. . .
My puppy. She is a pug and seriously they are the funniest dogs, or at least ours is. She is the biggest princess especially now during a MN winter and J. says that is because I baby her too much.

Something warm. . .
A flower hair pin. that I bought on our honeymoon in Hawaii. Every time I come across it I can almost feel the warm weather. I have not worn it since our Honeymoon in 2004, but I keep saving it for that big anniversary trip we take someday.

Something that makes you cry. . .
One thing. . .it seems so many things make me cry these days. The latest is the changing table that my cousin gave me the summer we started TTC (2007) and I put it in the "baby room." I don't go in that room too often since it is a spare bedroom that houses my scrapbooking supplies. But, I go in there enough to see it and it always makes me sad.

Something as precious as gold. . .
My hubby J. I can't even believe how unbelievable he has been through this whole process. He should have left me a few psychotic months ago, but he didn't and that makes him as precious as gold.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I drank the Champagne

So I got AF today. I have never been so happy to get my period before. I was really hoping when I called my IF nurse today that she would have said that I didn't have to come in for a baseline ultrasound (since I just had the pelvic laparoscopy) for two reasons:

#1 - they are vaginal and seriously I am done with things getting stuck up there (sorry J. I don't mean you)

#2 - I am a teacher and the IF nurses are only at the clinic from 7:30 a.m. -1:30. So that means if they don't have a 7:30 appointment available I will have to take a half day for a 3 minute appointment and make sub plans.

But, she called back and said that in fact we need to do one because since my period has started I could have developed cysts and they need to know about that first. Luckily they had a 7:30 appointment available tomorrow morning. So I am going to play hookie from our staff meeting tomorrow morning and go to the appointment.

I am so excited for this process to start again. But, I am SUPER nervous too.

Excited because: I really feel like it is going to work this time! This fall was HORRIBLE, really horrible. The only thing that got me through was convincing myself that after my BFF's wedding on Jan. 3rd things would be better and happier. I am excited because the wedding was so much fun and it was good to have something happy to look forward to.

Nervous because: I have been able to fool myself out of the depression I was in only a month ago by convincing myself that the bright side of me losing the baby is that I would be able to drink champagne at my BFF's wedding.

Well, I drank the champagne and now here I am with my BFF on her Honeymoon and I am excited to have have got my period today.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Teacher's Lounge

I am a elementary school teacher. I am not sure if I have mentioned that before. Which means about 99% of my co-workers are female. So at any given time there are usually 2-3 women pregnant in our building. Right now there are 3. One due tomorrow, one due in February and one due in the Spring. I can't even bring myself to ask about when the 3rd one is due but, I think it is sometime in the Spring.

It is customary for expectant mothers to make their announcement in true elementary style in the lounge (candy, a cute poster and catchy rhyme to break. . .I mean share the news). The first two didn't "announce" - I'm not sure why. The third one announced right after I found out about our miscarriage. I couldn't even look at the announcement.

Now I am finding that I can't even have lunch in the lounge. There was much talk about the teacher who is due tomorrow since she didn't come back from Winter Break (for obvious reasons). Then the talk moved to the teacher due this Spring and the cost of her pre-natal care. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from rattling off the cost of IF and how much insurance doesn't want and doesn't cover it. But, I was a good little IF patient and kept my mouth shut!

Maybe I should just eat my lunch in my classroom. . .

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Next Step

I called the IF Nurse Line today. It still gets to me every time I listen to that message "you have reached the infertility nurse line". I still can't believe that I have to be calling a number that would have a message like that.

My question was: so the laprascopy was clear, can I call you on my next day 1 to start the another cycle or do I have to wait until after my post-operative visit with the doctor. She said it was good to hear my voice (sad to know that she is used to hearing my voice and would actually miss it) and that YES we can start on my next day one!

So I am anxious for AF to arrive. I find it hard to blog without posting a picture so I thought this picture would be appropriate! The thought of AF makes me think of wine so this fits!

picture from

A Card

I really hope I didn't over step any lines I shouldn't have today, but I sent J.'s cousin's wife a card today. It was a general "I am sorry things suck right now" card. I said in so many words that we are traveling down the same road as them and that if they want someone to talk to, cry with or just sit in the same room with someone who understands what they are going through that we were there for them.

I also said I was sorry for how I found out this information about them. I think she will know what I mean by that. I really am sorry for that, it just breaks my heart .

I had received the most wonderful card from my very first friend in this IF journey I would like to share those words here, I read them over and over as a way to help me cope:


It is difficult for other to understand

the depth of the loss we feel

for the child who will never be born.

Even those closest to us

may wonder why

we cant seem to get over it.

What they don't understand is

how we already loved that little one

and love never ends.

Though the dreams and plans we had

must be gently laid to rest

we each must take our own time

and, in our own way, find the strength

to let hope be a part of us once again.

If you need someone to talk to,

I'm here.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The start of the New Year

This is going to be OUR year! That is what J. and I keep telling each other. We really truly believe that!

Here is a random picture from my first day of the New Year.


Today I was going to sit on the couch all day long and rest up for my BFF's wedding this weekend. My Mom called and asked if I wanted to drive with her and my brother to my Grandma's for dinner. As much as I didn't want to get off the couch, I thought that this would be a great way for start the New Year! My Grandma is one of my most favorite people. This picture is of what I came home with from her house. If anything in life is for certain is it that you will never leave my Grandma's hungry and you will always go home with another 2-3 dinners.
In order to make everyone happy she made two kinds of meat (beef and ham), three different kinds of potatoes (dumplings, mashed, and baked, and of course either ice cream or whip cream for your apple pie.
Even though I have to fit into a bridesmaid dress in 2 days - it was a great way to start the New Year!