Sunday, June 28, 2009

side effects

I'm thinking that is what these are! I am thirsty ALL the TIME! I am having really bad headaches. I'm peeing all the time, but that might be from all the drinking I've been doing. The hot flashes have started. I go from being steaming hot to freezing cold when the ceiling fan or air conditioning cools my sweat off.
I can't sleep! I toss and turn all night - back and forth between being hot and then cold. When I do sleep I am having the most vivid dreams. I get that I have a lot on my mind with IVF and moving, but it is crazy how vivid they are. They all seem to center around voice mail messages on my phone too.
I'm a little nervous what might end up happening when I add more drugs into the mix!

Friday, June 26, 2009

3 bags!

I left the pharmacy today with 3 bags! One was filled with just syringages! I'm on day 6 of Lupron and I am having major headaches! I also feel like sleeping all the time - that may have something to do with this 90 degree heat days!

I'm so sorry for my blog friend Misty who found out yesterday that her baby conceived through IVF didn't have a heartbeat at her ultrasound. She is really sad, rightly so. Visit her blog and send her good thoughts if you have a chance.

I go back into the doctor on Tuesday which will be Day 10 of the Lupron. ICLWers - can anyone remind me why I have this appointment? I think it is to make sure my ovaries are getting supressed like they are supposed to be.

I'm try hard to enjoy the start of my Summer vacation from teaching. We are moving on the 16th in with my Mom and her husband while our new house is under renovation. But, my headaches make it hard for me to get off the couch and I'm feel not in the best shape. I should be out on long walks everyday, but it's so stinkin' hot! I guess it is better than 20 below zero! We could be facing that in too many short months.
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Monday, June 22, 2009

Date with the Hamsters

So J. had a date with the hamsters last week. They wanted to see how his sperm does with penetration of hamster eggs before they just his go loose with mine after retrieval. Well apparently it didn't go well. They like to see 50% or higher penetration and his was only 18%. The doctor also said that his count was down as well. They like to see it in the 50-60 million range and he was in the 30 million range.

He had only had one other SA and all was clear with that test. But it was like 2 years ago. This frustrates me because why didn't my previous clinic think to check his semen again after we weren't getting pregnant for a while. Ugh!

So for the IVF they will inject his sperm into my eggs rather then just let them do it on their own. It doesn't change anything other than the fact that we will owe them another $900 +.

Maybe the insurance coverage on my meds was the universe balancing things out for this added expense.

A letter to myself

I was seeing a counselor in my darkest days this winter. She had suggested that there may be something inside my psyche that is keeping me from getting pregnant. I do have issues with how I feel my Mother raised me and my brothers. She suggested that I write a letter to myself when I was little - the point of my earliest memories of my relationship with my mother. Telling myself that it is okay that I become a mother and that I will not make the mistakes that she did. Here goes:

Dear Katie,

It is okay that you feel as though you were cheated out of a Mother. It was not fair of her to pass you and your brothers off on your Grandmother as much as she did. Although you developed a strong faith base and a love for cooking you could have gotten that from her regardless. She would have always been your Grandma.

What you needed from your Mother was an appropriate "birds and bees" talk. It wasn't your fault that your cousin Gina got pregnant at 16. You had nothing to do with that and you didn't deserve the shouting "birds and bees" talk from you after she hung up the phone. You deserved a compassionate talk on your bed one night with your Mom talking about your first period, pads, tampons, shaving, boys, etc.

It is okay that you felt more comfortable talking with your Mom's sister than her. She was actually around when you were growing up. She thought of her babies as miracles and cried during her miscarriages. You were right to have a strong connection with her while you were growing up. Her friendship would prove to be more beneficial in your adult life as you struggle with IF. It was a relationship that was not fair for your Mom to ridicule she only did that because she was jealous. She probably wished she could have that relationship with you.

It is not your fault that she chose to pursue a career and relationship outside of one with your Father. Although she always said that she married young and had children right away because her mom was pressuring her into it - it was still her decision to do that. There are responsibilities that go along with those decisions. The grass may have been greener on the other side of the fence, but the grass on the side you left needed you to come back to water it.

It is true what that little old lady said in the grocery store that day in the small town you grew up in. We did turn out very well considering what we went through growing up.

Now it wasn't a horrible childhood. There were happy times and times where you were a very good older sister to your brothers and times when you were a great babysitter. That is why you will make a wonderful Mother.

You will take your children to the Zoo, walks around the lake, to the park to swing. They will sit in your lap and you will read them stories. You will show them so much love that they will never seek out parental love from anyone else.

You will be the mother that has hot chocolate chip cookies ready for them when they get home from school. You will be the one that drives them around to soccer practice and dance lessons. You will volunteer at their school and help out with bake sales. You children will never feel as though you are not apart of their lives.

Your children will someday stand up at their wedding and thank you and J. for being the best example for a marriage - they will hope to model their new marriage after yours.

You will be a Mother of beautiful children soon. It will be the hardest and most rewarding journey you ever do. It is what you were meant to do in life.


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Start Lupron tomorrow

I'm anxious to get this IVF process rolling. Tomorrow starts the first morning of my Lupron injections. I went to the pharmacy today to get it filled (I know cutting it close, I forgot) and I asked to have them just fill that one. I figured my insurance wouldn't cover it and I wanted to do mail order for the rest. My clinic told me that mail order tends to be less expensive if you are paying cash. Well, my insurance covered the Lupron. So I had them check a couple more on the list and they covered those as well!!

This made me feel so good! This entire process obviously costs a TON of money and it is nice to know that my insurance company isn't going to completely screw me!

My Mom and her Husband were more than willing to give us the loan for the next month until we close on our house. When we went to our RN consultation on Thursday and got to the payment park J. asked if there was any chance we could pay the balance any later than that day. She said the latest she could take payment was the 30th. We called our credit card company and if we make a purchase on the 30th it won't be due until August 15th - that is perfect for us. We will have closed on both houses and have the money available to pay off the credit card. This made J. feel a lot better. He really didn't like asking my parents for money. I don't blame him, he really prides himself on doing well on his own all these years.

Things seem to be looking up in the baby making department.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Start of IVF

Today was my first official appointment of the IVF road. I had the saline ultrasound and trial transfer. I guess the doctor wanted to see the depth of my uterus and make sure there wasn't anything in the way in terms of cysts, fibrods, adhesions, etc. Apparently I'm a "text book" case for a successful IVF cycle. Good to know!

We had an interesting night last night. . .

We decided about a month ago to put our house on the market, well it sold it 8 days. Which meant that we needed to find a house. We did in a location that we really like, but it needs a bunch of work. Our offer on this house was accepted and if the inspection goes well on Thursday then it will be ours. So last night we went to my Mom's with two important questions to ask her and her husband:

No. 1 - Can we stay with you after we close on our house on July 16th while we do renovations on it?

No. 2 - Since we are closing on a house in less than a month taking $10,000 out of our savings for IVF really wouldn't be the best timing. So could we borrow $10,000 from you for a month until we close on our house? And Oh, by the way we need that $10,000 by Thursday.

I knew the second question would be a really hard one to ask and hard to receive, but I thought for sure they would be more than okay with us living with them while we did our renovations. They weren't exactly opening their door to us when we asked question number 1, so I was really nervous to ask question number 2. But, we really didn't have a choice - we need to do the cycle now because I'm on summer vacation. Yes it probably wasn't the best choice for us to buy a house at this time, but as my Mom always says "it is what it is"!

So we'll see. They said it was fine that we moved in with them. We will make it as temporary as possible. They are going to get back to us on the borrowing of money. I am really trying not to stress out about these situations so that this IVF journey goes well, so it would be nice if we heard from them soon.

Friday, June 5, 2009


No not D-day, but N-day!
I tested 4 times this week the last one this morning- all negative. I was having a bunch of cramping on Wednesday,  but that went away yesterday and I felt great. No spotting at all so I began feeling optimistic again. I wasn’t going to go into the clinic to get my HCG because I was staying at my Mom’s house this week (J. was out of town all week for work and I didn’t want to be home alone). My clinic is on my way to work when I’m at home – completely out of the way at my mom’s house.
I was sitting at school and I just couldn’t take it anymore I had to know what the HCG test would show. So I called my clinic to see if they could get me in while my kids were at music. This would mean that I wouldn’t get any prep time, but I thought it would be worth it to get that wonderful phone call I have been waiting 2 years for.
She called about 2 and half hours later. I was taking my class out to the playground for their field day. She said it was negative. Ugh!
I got off the phone and needed to be smiling and laughing with my students and in front of their parents! I seriously almost ran into a low tree branch because I wasn’t thinking straight. Luckily the parents, gym teachers and high school helpers run the field day for the kids so I was able to hide in my classroom for a couple of hours.
So what’s next. . . we said we were going to go through the IVF process this summer. This really is the right timing for that because of all the appointments, hormones and procedures. Doing that at the beginning of a new school year wouldn’t work out very well. But I really can’t even get myself thinking about that right now.
At the beginning of my 2ww I thought for sure I would be on the phone with the RE clinic scheduling the IVF for as soon as we could get it started if this time didn’t work, but I think I will wait until Monday. I need the weekend to be sad over the loss of this cycle before I can start planning for the next.