2 years and counting. . .

The end of this month marks 2 years since we decided to go off the pill and give this baby making thing a try! I knew it might be tough for us, but I never imagined I would be looking at 2 years!

I am CD1 of my 3rd cycle since our last IUI attempt. I took the last two off to get physical over the last attempt (get rid of the cysts) and emotionally ready to do this again. I could not bring myself to take the BCP to get rid of the cysts so I was just hoping that time would do that.

I went in this morning for my baseline ultrasound and all looks good! Whew! I think it would have been hard to hear that I should have gone on the pill because the cysts were still there.

We will do the same as the last 3 IUI attempts. Gonal-f injections to stimulate my follicles, Ovidrel to trigger ovulation and then the IUI. We have the IUI scheduled for April 6th. That was the exact day I ran the Paris Marathon last April with my mom so I am hoping that will be a good luck day for me.

We leave for Florida tomorrow so I will be traveling with my injections, but I had lots of chats with the pharmacist, doctor’s office, and searched through the TSA website to make sure I have all the notes, Rx’s, and things I need to get through security. I should be good to go. I better not have to leave the Rx at the airport because it was $1000!!!!

Send me all the luck, wishes, prayers, etc. that you possibly can for a December/January baby in my future!

Hello March ICLW

Hello Everyone,

I hope to do better with this comment leaving this month than last. I love reading all the messages and I need to do a better job at returning the favor. Quick information about me:

• I have married to a wonderful man since September 2004.
• We have been TTC since April of 2007 (coming up on 24 months!)
• We have done the CBEFM, clomid, Gonal-f with IUI
• I had an ectopic pregnancy in September
• We made our 3rd IUI attempt in January and it failed
• We were on a bit of a medical and emotional break the last two months
• I am hoping to go in for my baseline ultrasound on Friday to start the process of IUI again

So for some fun stuff:

• We have traveled a ton and love it! We leave for Florida on Saturday for a week vacation!
• I am a 3rd grade teacher so I NEED this week vacation!
• I ran the Paris marathon last April with my Mom!

Thank you for coming to read about my journey and THANK YOU for all your support!

e-mail response

(E-mail that I received today)

“We didn't get much of a chance to talk at the party, but I have been thinking of you lots and hope things are going well for you and that you've been feeling good too.
A.”

(How I wanted to respond, however I just deleted it with not response instead)

Dear A.,
I was fine with us not getting much time to talk at our party, because you were too hard to look at in your ever growing belly filled with twins. As if your belly wasn’t calling enough attention, you also wore a bright green shirt with the words “A wee bit of Irish in me” with a giant arrow pointing at your belly printed on it.

And while you are asking, things are not going well for me and I am not feeling good. You tell me that you know what we are going through but yet you decline to share any of your journey with us. You tell me that things will work out for us they way they did for you, but I have know idea what things happened to be able to work out for you.

I respect the fact that you want to focus ahead on the positive things happening in your life with the upcoming birth of your twins, but you have to remember that we are back here still in the sadness you say you once experienced but refuse to tell me about.

So sorry that I didn’t want to sit on the couch with you all night at the party at our house and hear about your babies and feel them kick.

I was much more content to be celebrating St. Patrick’s day at our bar drinking Guinness.

Aren’t you glad you ask?
K.

(Any suggestions ICLWers have on how you handle these e-mails from friends I would love them, obviously this response e-mail would not be appropriate)

Counseling

I went to a counseling appointment yesterday. I found this gal’s name on the Resolve website. It was crazy to get to this appointment because it was at 3:00 and my school day doesn’t end until 3:20. So I ask our librarian if she would take my kids for the last hour of the day so I could get to the appointment. She worked it out and I was so thankful for it.

This was an initial intake meeting. I told her about our journey so far, all those things on my list from my previous post and how I can’t think about another medicated cycle right now in the mental state that I am in.

She had a few recommendations for us. She thinks we should go back to the RE for another second opinion. We saw him this summer but that was prior to the miscarriage this fall and it was 9 months ago that we saw him. When we did he said that he wouldn’t be doing anything differently than my current clinic and he is more expensive so we stayed where we were at. She thinks it would be worth the second opinion again. At least to have it on his schedule since it is quite awhile to be able to get into see him.

She also thought it would be good to think about the IVF route. I haven’t even thought about this. We have 5 more IUI cycles that insurance will pay for so I thought we would exhaust those before we even talk about IVF, but she thinks that it would help my emotional health to just jump to that. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but it isn’t a cheap process or one that is without its own emotional health issues.

I talked with J. about this when I got home and after him being mad about me not telling him about the appointment (seriously!) he said that we should try 2 more IUI attempts and then seriously think about going that route. I do like that idea.

At the end of the appointment she said this: “there are studies that show the depression infertility patients feel is comparable to that of cancer patients. The difference is that infertility patients suffer their depression mostly alone, where cancer patients are rallied around by everyone.”

I realize that I am not going to die from my “illness” the way a cancer patient could die from theirs, but some days I wish that people were dropping meals by my door, fundraising for my treatment, sitting with me at appointments, etc. J. has been a great person to help with all those things, but it isn’t fair he has to be the only one to do it.

So I am hoping that this counselor can help ease some of his burden.

So much news. . .

I am just going to make bullets because there is so much on my mind I just need to get it out in a list:

• Last Sunday evening I received the news from my aunt ther her neice (her husband's neice) was pregnant again after having twins out of wed-lock 6 months ago.
• A VERY good friend of mine (K.)ask me about our fertility journey for the first time in a while and when I told her that it wasn't fair for me to talk with her about my sadness because she was experiencing the happiness of a baby soon she told me that as friends we need to experience sadness and happiness together. A day later she sent me a text message that she was in the hospital having her first baby.
• I called another friend of mine (C.) on Saturday morning to see if it would be okay that I call K. at the hospital to hear the news of her baby. I wasn't sure if I should bug them and I was nervous that since we hadn't heard anything that something might not be okay. C. was also in the hospital and had given birth to her 2nd baby.
• Two babies born in the same day!
• Dinner at my Mom's tonight. They were in Honduras for a Doctor's without Borders type mission. She said she was happy to see me becuase sh kept thinking about me when she was seeing mother's and their daughters who were pregnant at 15 years old or younger and that it is okay that I have waited until 30 to have a baby.
• I hate that I am on Facebook because yet another close friend of mine is pregnant with twins and just posted as much on her facebook page saying that she is having both a boy and a girl. She went through some sort of infertility because she recommended her doctor (who we went to for a 2nd opinion so I know his practice), but she refuses to say anything more to me than "I know what you are going through and everything will work out someday for you."
• AND to top it all off, J. just doesn't get why I am sad for all of this baby birthing and making. . .he just keeps telling me we need to have more sex. . .
• . . .I'm not in the mood. . .