I'm crabby

You know how you get into one of those moods where nothing will make you happy. I am in one of those this morning. I am cramping pretty bad from AF and it pisses me off that it is a consent reminder of not being pregnant again another month. We weren't offically trying this month because of the cysts from the last medicated cycle, but I made the decision not to go on the pill so there was always a chance.

J. said this morning that he really was hoping we would have gotten pregnant on our own this month. He knows that we have to do the IUI thing, but he doesn't want to think that a tube would get me pregnant. It is a male ego thing that he can't let go of. I think he was hoping that we could have just gotten pregnant this month and then his man-hood would be safe.

That's about all for now. I might call the doctor's office on Monday to get a baseline done just to see if the cysts are still there, but I still think I am going to wait another month or so before attempting IUI again. It is just so emotionally exhausting and I have the rest of the school year to get through.

Last night of my 20's

I am turning 30 tomorrow. I have been dreading this day since Feb. 24th 2008. I have spent the entire year reflecting about where I am in life. If you would have asked me 10 years ago where I would be on my 30th birthday I would have said that I was running around my house with 3 kiddos at my heals.
There are days that the image of that not happening is too much to bear and I want to be as far away from 30 as possible.
Luckily the night before my birthday I am not having one of those days. I have some how convinced myself that I am happy that I am not pregnant right now. I think I accomplished that by planning a sushi making class for me and 14 of my friends and if I was pregnant I wouldn't be able to eat all that raw fish. Also, having a few cocktails to get through my 30th will help as well.
I am just hoping that the day I am 30 years and 1 day that I am feeling the same way!
But, until then. . .

I'm feeling better

I know, I know two posts in one day. But I haven't posted in a while and with a couple of days on the beach and hours spent in the airport I have had a lot of time to think. I may have to figure out how to mobile blog.

I am feeling better. It is amazing. I think I just forced myself to get out of the funk I was in after the failed IUI. I started looking to the future more and setting goals that are crushed 2 weeks at a time. I have signed up for a half marathon at the end of May for many different reasons:

#1 - to have something else on my calendar other than cycle charting.

#2 - to get back into shape. IF treatment really has gotten me out of shape. A lot of it is self-inflicted, but between being over stimulated from the drugs and hearing the threat of flipping ovaries to massive cysts because of the drugs, etc., etc., I have not been in the greatest condition to work out.

#3 - exercise really is a natural anti-depressant and I can use all of that I can get!

So not that I am patting myself on the back or anything, but since I am feeling better I scheduled a dinner with two of my friends who are both within 3 weeks of giving birth. I sat at the dinner tonight, talked about my vacation, books we were reading and asked questions about their pregnancies. Not a lot, but enough to show I do really care about them and their pregnancies.

I was glad I got that all out of my system because I am not sure when I will be able to do that again. However, the next time I see them they will probably be both nursing newborns.

One day at a time. . .

A picture for the future

No we're no pregnant!

When I was in my 2ww from the last IUI attempt I had thoughts of announcing to everyone by having them look through pictures of our vacation and coming upon this one.

We wrote it in the sand anyway. I am pretty sure I ovulated this weekend. I am also pretty sure the cysts still exist because it was quite a painful ovulation. However we did "attempt" to make a baby on our own this weekend while we were in Jamaica. It was a relaxing weekend with nothing to do but lay in the sun and sip pina coladas. So no one can accuse me of not being "relaxed."

So as we all know that our plans change and get pushed back through this entire IF process I have made a new plan. On the chance that we did get pregnant this weekend I thought it would be fun to still announce it this way. After this month I may end up deleting those pictures as our plans change again, but for now it will stay tucked away on my computer.

p.s. Jamaica was great! We were only in the sun for 3 days and actually one of them was pretty cloudy, but it was just what my internal psychologist ordered for me as therapy!

I'm not doing it

Taking the pill. I know I should be but I'm not. I am supposed to be taking it to get the cysts to go away, but I forgot to take them with me this weekend. Then they were in my car and I kept forgetting to take them. So I have decided that I'm not. I hope I don't regret my decision, but I am in no pain and I think I will be okay.
I programed my Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor tonight. I have not done that for probably 9 months. And as I write this I am thinking I shouldn't have done it tonight because then my testing window is going to be off. Crap!
Oh well, I will try it out. I think I just want to TTC the "old fashion" way for a little bit. J. and I need some reconnection and this month might be the right month for that.
Whether it is a Hallmark holiday or not I do feel like February is the month of love!

I can't take it anymore

I haven't gone through this process of infertility nearly as long as others, but it has been long enough for me! I was so sure this time was going to be the time. My doctor's and nurses thought this time was going to be the time. There were so many plans I was already making in my mind for everything baby-related:

- Bringing champagne to the cabin this weekend to toast our recent good news with our friends.
- Writing "we're pregnant" in the sand in Jamaica when we are there in two weeks, hand a stack of vacation pictures to friends and family to have them happen upon that picture to tell them the news.
- Not starting the school year next year because I would be having a baby soon after the start of the school year.
- Celebrating my 30th birthday this month knowing that I would have my first child when I am 30.

But, none of that is happening now and with the cysts I developed from the drugs we can't try again until probably March.

I am just very sad, very angry, and I can't understand why this time didn't work. I would like to believe everyone that tries to make me feel better with "it will happen when it is the right time." I can't understand right now why now isn't "the right time". I have done everything right in my life. I graduated high school, college, graduate school. I got married, we have a nice house with a nice fenced in yard. We got the dog first to "practice" being responsible for something other than ourselves. We have traveled the world. We have good jobs, no other debt besides our house and my education. Argh! How can NOW not be the RIGHT TIME!

At times like these I can't possibly convince myself that this is all happening for a reason and all will be revealed when the time is right. All I can do is be angry and sad.