Sunday, February 1, 2009

I can't take it anymore

I haven't gone through this process of infertility nearly as long as others, but it has been long enough for me! I was so sure this time was going to be the time. My doctor's and nurses thought this time was going to be the time. There were so many plans I was already making in my mind for everything baby-related:

- Bringing champagne to the cabin this weekend to toast our recent good news with our friends.
- Writing "we're pregnant" in the sand in Jamaica when we are there in two weeks, hand a stack of vacation pictures to friends and family to have them happen upon that picture to tell them the news.
- Not starting the school year next year because I would be having a baby soon after the start of the school year.
- Celebrating my 30th birthday this month knowing that I would have my first child when I am 30.

But, none of that is happening now and with the cysts I developed from the drugs we can't try again until probably March.

I am just very sad, very angry, and I can't understand why this time didn't work. I would like to believe everyone that tries to make me feel better with "it will happen when it is the right time." I can't understand right now why now isn't "the right time". I have done everything right in my life. I graduated high school, college, graduate school. I got married, we have a nice house with a nice fenced in yard. We got the dog first to "practice" being responsible for something other than ourselves. We have traveled the world. We have good jobs, no other debt besides our house and my education. Argh! How can NOW not be the RIGHT TIME!

At times like these I can't possibly convince myself that this is all happening for a reason and all will be revealed when the time is right. All I can do is be angry and sad.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, you sound just like me...I found your blog thru Stirrup Queens.

    thank you for saying just what I've been wanting to say.

    Best of luck to you.