I was talking with a fellow IF friend the other night out at dinner about how I was excited about this cycle. She asked me how I could be so excited. She recently found out that their 2nd successful IVF implantation attempt has ended in a miscarriage after 6 weeks. I can't even imagine how she is feeling, but I told her that I understand a bit. I was so, so depressed this fall after our miscarriage and it really has taken until now to feel even remotely ready to try this roller coaster again. She is at that point right now, she wants nothing to do with the process that would be cause her the pain she is feeling now. She and her hubby on are a much deserved vacation in Hawaii right now. It can't take the pain away, but it might help the sadness a bit. Minnesota is hard enough to live in during the winter, but even harder when you are sad about something.
But, I do feel excited about this cycle. J. keeps looking and me and laughing about how happy I am. I went in for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday and all was clear. I started the Gonal-f injections on Friday night and will do those until Wednesday morning when I go in for another ultrasound. I had contacted an acupuncturist after the last IUI when we were told it didn't work. I was going to start seeing her during the next attempt. (Read "our journey" to see what happened then) I called her again this last week to see what she would have planned for me this time. She is a mother of triplets, conceived from an IUI. She knows exactly what we have gone through. She was full of cautious optimism (I think this is the best kind - giving me hope, but not the fake kind - the realistic kind) and a plan that I can live with. She kept telling me that she was sorry for what I went through this fall and how she wouldn't wish that upon anyone. It is amazing how comforting that feels from people who you know "get it".
So I will start acupuncture this coming Wednesday. We will know more after the ultrasound that morning and the blood work when we will do the IUI. Since my first two IUI cycles were identical I am guessing the IUI will be on either Friday or Saturday.
At dinner on Saturday night I told J. that I wasn't scared about this cycle not working, I was scared that it would work and then end in a miscarriage. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle that again. They say you are given only as much as you can handle. . .I really hope that whoever makes those decisions doesn't think I can handle it again either!
Since as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother. Actually it is more than a want, it is the feeling of purpose. I have always thought that I was put on this earth to be the best mother to 2.5 children.
The road to motherhood has not been paved with yellow bricks - or maybe it has. . .here is my journey.